A Family Affair
by Lack Thereof
Summary: [SasuSaku] After coming to his senses, Itachi tries to piece his life back together. Easier said than done, Mr. Uchiha. [On long term Hiatus.]
1. TEH Ultradramatic Beggining!

**Chapter One- The Ultradramatic Beginning... Of TEH End?**

"I could swear he was right over there!"

Naruto yelled and stomped in annoyance as the object of his fury swiftly evaded his _jutsu_ and disappeared within the trees. But the most frustrated of them all must have been Uchiha Sasuke, who ran a hand through his thick dark hair, obviously trying to restrain himself from being like a mini-me of older brother. Speaking of older siblings, Uchiha Itachi was their target, and he had strategically dodged every single attack and weapon they projected in his direction.

Sakura rested her pale palm on Sasuke's shoulder reassuringly, "He couldn't have gone far," she reasoned. "At least with not that mountain of a man-- Kisame right?" she added, trying to inject some humour into the situation. But apparently no one was in the mood. Naruto punched a nearby spruce tree, the blonde warrior's face turning a dark red, oddly contrasting his blue eyes. Sasuke angrily kicked the litter on the forest floor, and it sent a pebble from beneath its leaves in response. Sasuke absentmindedly watched it fly in the air, knowing he had failed once again to kill his older brother. And now the very reality that he might never kill him hit the younger Uchiha hard. Sakura didn't know what to do to pull the young man out of his thoughts.

So, what happened to the pebble?

That might've been the last thing you would've ever thought of, but this must be taken into account. The pebble went hurtling through the air at record speeds, efficiently catching two specific criminals off guard. One was tall with a blue coloration while the other one was pale and dark-haired. Is it not so ironic that they had the same names as Kisame and Itachi?

Kisame was dragging his big blade Somhada along the ground, making a very irritating scratch. Itachi was trying to figure out where to go to next but he couldn't hear himself think.

"Can't you carry it?" Itachi asked, annoyed, but trying extremely hard to maintain his cool.

"Yeah, but it's more convenient to drag it along the ground at an annoyingly slow and very audible way." Kisame retorted as he now pulled it along more slowly and audibly then before.

Itachi sighed and waited for Kisame to return in his earshot before continuing.

"In case you haven't caught on yet, we are trying to be an overdramatic yet entertaining escape, and it doesn't help when----" He was cut off when a pebble went speeding toward him at back-breaking speeds, and whacked the side of his head and then bounced off. It also hit Kisame's head too, and a hollow sound was heard. Itachi blinked and tried to clear his mind, but all he could think was, _What the hell am I doing here? Who is this blue-skinned physcopath?!_

Apparently Itachi has just snapped out of it. If you think that's awful, then what happened to Kisame?

Well, he was thinking, _Black is like so NOT my colour! _And he voiced this opinion to the older Uchiha and received a strange, flabbergasted look in return.

"Huh? Who are you?" Itachi asked, but wasn't sure he wanted to know.

But Kisame didn't notice. His mind was filled with...pretty knickknacks and doodads, like magical ponies! Yes how he loved magical ponies!! Ponies and sparkly things like fairy wands! Yay!

"I now know what my mission in life was meant to be." Kisame said solemnly, like anyone cared. And without further ado, he added, "I must discover... the BWGIM."

"What's that?" Itachi asked, fearful.

"The Barbie-World-Girl-In-Me!" Kisame squealed in delightfulness and started twirling around like there was no tomorrow. Itachi stared at this monstrosity in horror.

"I...think...I want...my mommy."


	2. Oh Smore!

**Chapter Two- Oh S'more!**

_"The Barbie-World-Girl-In-Me!" Kisame squealed in delightfulness and started twirling around like there was no tomorrow. Itachi stared at this monstrosity in horror._

_"I...think...I want...my mommy." _

Team Seven sat around the fire, mulling over their failure against the elder brother of Sasuke, not for the first time. Naruto entertained himself by sketching some ramen into the ground and drooling and Kakashi was entertaining himself by those... "magazines." Sakura started going through her bag, looking for some marshmallows for s'mores. Sasuke clenched and unclenched his fists as he thought of Itachi, who oddly was not that far away. Sakura pulled her head out from her bag and smiled at Sasuke, "Sasuke-kun, do you mind giving me a hand?" Sasuke shrugged and decided to help her, thinking it might keep his bad thoughts at bay. He held her bag as she went looking through it, focusing on the contents of the bag, not the fact it was _pink and sparkly_ and he was a _guy_ and he _had to hold it_.

(**A/N**: Read the following paragraph aloud) Sakura started throwing things out. There was a tissue box, a stuffed fox, and blue socks. Out came some chocolate bars, a map of the stars, some child's play cars. On the floor landed a skirt with frills, a block with drills, and some headache pills. And when Sasuke thought his head was going to implode, the whole bag went _explode_, and the forest glowed.

"My pink and sparkly bag!!!" Sakura screeched, looking at the pile of crud piled high, drenching Sasuke knee high in the mix. Kakashi and Naruto looked their way with mild interest, but then their eyes widened, and spontaneous laughter erupted from the two, and Sasuke started to help pick things up, desperate to regain some sort of dignity. Sakura held up the chocolate in triumph, and gave Sasuke the pink and sparkly bag to hold as she went through her purse. Sasuke's eye twitched, and he was about to set this horrible, emasculating bag down on the ground when he heard something move in the forest. His head spun around to go face to face with his older brother, Uchiha Itachi.

How did Itachi get there? Hold on to your panties people, I'll tell you right now.

After being informed about Kisame's wish to discover this elusive Barbie World Girl inside of him, Itachi had escaped and started running around in circles like a headless chicken until logic finally entered his head and he decided to go find some help. Now he had found a campfire with some lovely looking people around it, and hopefully they'd be nice enough to help him out. How ironic, his younger brother was with them! Sasuke would surely know what happened! And he assumed his younger brother, the younger bro of _Uchiha Itachi_, was not trying to find the BWG in him. That would not be possible.

UNTIL THERE WAS A HUNKIN PIECE OF PINK AND SPARKLY CRUDBUBBLE-A-BOBBER IN SASUKE'S HAND.

"Sasuke, drop that pink and sparkly shit, right now." Itachi said, leaning against a tree, trying to stay calm, and he was starting to wonder if every male in the world was trying to discover his feminine side. He hoped not. Sasuke gritted his teeth and dropped it to the ground. Itachi saw hatred beyond all comprehension in Sasuke's eyes, and wondered when he was going to start foaming at the mouth. Sasuke started to shake, and his hands were clenching and unclenching. Itachi thought he was having a spasm attack, possibly even a seizure, and took a step toward his younger brother. "Okay Sasuke, we are going to take your blood pressure, so sit down and be calm." Itachi coaxed.

Kakashi, Naruto, and Sakura all gaped, wondering if this was some kind of sick joke the Atkasuki were pulling on them. Sakura was the first to figure it out, Kakashi was the second, and Naruto didn't at all and stood there like a complete idiot. They started laughing and rolling on the ground and pounding it and slapping their knees and all that jazz. Naruto started laughing too, but it was clear behind his flat eyes he didn't know why and eventually went back to doodling ramen.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Sasuke roared at his older sibling. Itachi didn't know what to do.

"I know you're feeling intimidated but…" Itachi attempted to calm him down but received a good ol' high five on the face for his trouble. Itachi grabbed his brother's wrist and boxed him in the ear. Sasuke slid to the ground, whimpering. "Now that we have all calmed down, who the hell are you people over there, and where am I? AND WHAT HAPPENED TO SASUKE HERE? The poor kid is traumatized!"

"Are you serious?" Sakura asked. Itachi looked at her and she continued, "Well…" Then they all went on to relay their tale of woe to him, right from Episode One all the way up to now. Itachi blinked and sat down to register all this information and rubbed his chin in thought.

"You look like you're thinking when you do that." Naruto commented.

Itachi sighed.

"I think we need to discuss over s'mores." Kakashi decreed. And so they did.

Author's Note: So this is chapter two! I have dedicated this story to my first reviewer of this story. Thanks for doing that. It encouraged me to write Chapter Two of this horrible saga. See everyone, a simple statement can make my day. So please hit that button to your left and make someone out there happy. Now time to wait for Chapter Three of our favorite wise guys.


	3. BWG,BMW,BLT, BFG Oh Dear Indeed

**Chapter Three- The BWG, The BMV, The BLT, and the BFG- Oh Dear Indeed**

**_ A/N: I have to say, I was particularly surprised with the raised number of reviews I received from the previous chapter! Now that I've tested the water and know what you guys like, I'll do my best to make this story as gag-worthy as possible! Thanks to Dark Angel for suggesting an idea! I'm open to ideas, so feel free to throw in a few with your review. I apologize for the shortness of my chapters- I'll try to make them longer._**

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"_I think we need to discuss over s'mores." Kakashi decreed. And so they did_

OoOoOoOo

"NO!" Sasuke loudly declared as Kakashi closed his statement, "I'm not sharing my house with that... monster!" He pointed at Itachi, who had no idea what was wrong. Kakashi looked at Sasuke innocently and asked why. Sasuke yanked him aside to speak with him privately. "Kakashi-sensei, if you are not already aware, Itachi did kill the Uchiha clan save for me. So just because he is suffering a bout of amnesia now doesn't mean he is a complete angel!"

Kakashi looked back, and Itachi and Sakura were laughing as Naruto tried to pull the gooey marshmallows webbed in his fingers away, and then looked back at Sasuke and shrugged.

"Bah Humbug!" Sasuke muttered. Suddenly they heard someone walk through the bushes rather... daintily. "Hinata?" Sasuke asked aloud. But unfortunately it wasn't. It was... unfortunately... Kisame. But aside from the face you would never had guessed it was him. He was decked out in a tight kitten pink leotard, and frilly tutu encircled his waist. His Samehada blade had been disgraced with pink silky ribbons, and every time he moved, pink and white sparkly glitter would fall from it. He danced on _pointe _over to them, and did a pirouette like he was a ballerina in a hurricane. Which is quite the odd analogy isn't it?

"I'm a Barbie Girl, In a Barbie Woooooorrld!" Kisame sang out in a voice that would make Beyonce Knowles go down in shame, "You can brush my haaaaaaaiiiiiiir, but there's not much theeeeeeeerrreeeeee! My foreeeeeehead is so plaaaaaastic, my neck ain't ellllllllllaaaaassssssssssstic! BARBIE WORLD GIRL!" Kisame slid down into the splits and tapped Kakashi and Sasuke with his magical fairy wand, causing them to wince.

"Barbie World Girl?" Kakashi wondered aloud. Itachi froze.

"Barbie...World...Girl? ...Oh Lord SAVE MEEEEEEEEE!!!" Itachi screamed and started running around in circles, then went running over, saw Kisame, and screeched even louder and started running around in circles again. He ran straight through the fire but didn't notice. Then his robes caught fire and he screamed, "Stop, drop, and roll!" and did that. Sakura and Naruto wondered what could trigger such a dramatic reaction when they saw Kisame, and then they screamed too. Then Itachi... fainted.

"THE BWG!" Kisame sang happily, skipping around. The bright leotard suit brought their eyes to all the wrong places, and they looked away, "THE BMW! THE BLT! THE BFG!"

"Whaa...?" Naruto asked.

Kisame rolled his eyes, huffed, and stopped a ballet flat-covered foot, "Well, _du-uh_! BWG! Barbie World _Gu-url_! Cu-url-_ee _Hair!"

What that had to do with an expensive car, a breakfast sandwich, and a Big Friendly Giant was completely lost on them. Then Kisame sighed.

"Well, I am off to like Unicorn Fluffy Bunny Pink Sparkly Fairy Cloud Land! Too-oodles!" Kisame waved some fairy dust in the air and went bouncing off into the woods. They watched him leave.

"Well...Uh... Go have fun with that?" Naruto guessed. Everyone went back to what they were doing. Sasuke and Sakura went over to revive Itachi, while Kakashi sat by the fire. Naruto started adding the finishing touches on his elaborate drawing of ramen. Once he had everyone's attention, Kakashi began speaking.

"We will go back to Kohona, and you will resume training at the Academy Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura? And Itachi? The tuition bill will arrive in the mail." Kakashi informed them.

"The t-tuition bill?" Itachi stammered.

"Well, somebody's gonna have to pay it! And since you are now Sasuke's legal guardian, it falls to you." Kakashi answered, raising an eyebrow. Itachi motioned for him to continue.

"As Sasuke is not happy about this arrangement, I decided to help him out." Kakashi added, "Itachi, you still aren't one hundred percent trusted. So until Sasuke feels comfortable around you again, if there is ANY attempts on either of your lives, I will..." Kakashi paused for dramatic effect. A minute passed. Then five minutes. Then twenty- three minutes and two seconds passed.

"WELL GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!" Sakura roared.

"...I will sic this squirrel on you. Meet Squirrelly the Squirrel." Kakashi held up a rather cute chibi looking squirrel. It had adorable brown eyes that sparkled.

"Hi Squirrelly, your name is really stupid." Naruto said, grinning like he actually said something clever. Suddenly Squirrelly started breathing very heavily and its eyes became yellowed and bloodshot and started bulging out of its sockets. Its fangs became supersized and started foaming at the mouth. Naruto screamed like a little girl and started running screaming, "RABIES!" Squirrelly tore after him. The rest of the group stared emotionlessly for a few minutes, then carried on their conversation.

"Alright?" Kakashi asked, "Temporary truce?" Itachi and Sasuke shook hands on it. Kakashi smiled, like if a handshake and a particularly violent squirrel were going to keep the peace.

Oh dear indeed.

I discovered that Samehada meant "shark skin!" And Kisame means "demon shark." Pretty awesome, huh? Unless Kisame actually means Barbie World Girl...


	4. Chapter 4 Squirrelly on the Loose!

**Chapter Four- Squirrelly On The Loose- Terror in It's Own Words**

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**_ A/N: Welcome to Chapter Four evil music plays Mwahhahaha! Anyhoo, this chapter is dedicated to Dark Angel, who thankfully bothers to read this work of mine. Also many thanks to Warrior Kamaru for putting me on Favorite Author and Stories lists! Now on with the story! _**

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"_Alright?" Kakashi asked, "Temporary truce?" Itachi and Sasuke shook hands on it. Kakashi smiled, like if a handshake and a particularly violent squirrel were going to keep the peace._

_Oh dear indeed._

OoOoOoOo

"Ah, finally! Back in Konoha! Back to my ramen! Yoodle-loo!"

We can all guess who that was.

"Yoodle-loo?" Sakura questioned Naruto's choice of language, and Naruto just grinned and patted Squirrelly on his shoulder. Whether they had become best friends over the course of twenty-four hours or Squirrelly had brainwashed him. Everyone hoped it was the latter. Sasuke looked at them with little interest. Apparently he had a ton on his mind. He wondered what it would be like living with his brother again. Would they always leap for each other's throats? Or would they be friends again, like before? Although Sasuke hated his brother for killing his clan, a part of him hoped that they could be friends again, and maybe Itachi could train him to be an even better ninja then Naruto. Sasuke smiled. Sometimes it paid to have an infamous older brother.

"Yes we are, Naruto." Kakashi agreed, "Now, I will go report to the Academy, and everyone else has the day off. Naruto, you and Squirrelly get some ramen, then return it to me." He nodded toward the squirrel, "Sakura you can go home, and for the Uchihas..." He paused, "Good luck."

Everyone split off to go around to their own business. Sakura tapped Sasuke on the shoulder. Sasuke craned his head around, "Hey, Sakura." He turned around to face her. She looked withdrawn, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing... Just between all this Itachi stuff... There hasn't been much time for you and me..." Sakura mumbled. Sasuke suddenly felt ashamed for being such a lackadaisical boyfriend and gave her a spontaneous hug.

"I'll make it up to you," Sasuke promised, "6 PM tonight?"

Sakura beamed, "Sure!" She gave Sasuke a quick peck on the cheek and went to the nearest nail salon. Sasuke smiled, but the back of his head was throbbing. He saw Itachi look around confused.

"What?" Sasuke demanded.

"Where's the house? I don't see it." Itachi was standing in front of the old Uchiha home. It had been bulldozed down, and it was fenced off, with a huge sign saying, BOB'S BUILDERS- SKATEBOARDING PARK IN CONTSTRUCTION- CALL 1-800-678-BADASS for information.

"After YOU killed the clan," Sasuke snapped, attempting to control his voice, "I sold the lot for money, and moved into my own apartment." He looked at Itachi, searching his face for a response. All he saw was horror.

"Yu?!" Itachi demanded, "Mister Yu across the street! Dammit! I knew he was out to get me! That frickin old man!" He stormed across the street. Sasuke hurried after him.

"Hi sonny." There was good ol' Mister Yu, sittin' on the rocking chair, enjoying his golden years, "Tis is a nice day."

"It is indeed." Itachi gritted his teeth, "Mister Yu, you are getting booked!"

"No need young 'un. This ol' man went to th' library yesterday." Mister Yu grinned a toothless grin.

"You, Mister Yu, are gonna get jailed on sixty quadrillion, eight-two gazillion accounts of murder, arson, and... and...yeah!!" Itachi clarified, and picked up the rocking chair.

Mister Yu screamed and started pounding the arms of his chair, yelling, "Abduction!" Sasuke bit his lip to contain his laughter, but grimaced when he saw Itachi storming down the street with Mister Yu in the rocking chair. He ran up and tackled his older brother. Itachi lost his balance, and the rocking chair went flying. Mister Yu went flying off the cliff, shrieking, "Good day to you, Mister Commander Gorgonzola Cheese!" Itachi and Sasuke blinked.

"That was...odd." Itachi remarked.

"...Indeed."

OoOoOoOoOo

Later that evening, Kakashi tapped his foot when he saw Naruto come walking down the street. "Where's Squirrelly?" Naruto asked.

"You're asking me?!" Kakashi asked, his voice rising a few octaves, "I gave him to you." Naruto shuddered.

"I thought you had super-duper-bopper-duper squirrel _jutsu_ powers, so I thought you had him." Naruto replied, his initial cheer fading. Kakashi sighed. Naruto gave him a box. "Here's what you wanted me to return to you."

Kakashi opened it, hoping it was Squirrelly. Instead he saw a bowl full of noodles. "Ramen?!" He bellowed.

"You said you wanted me to return it to you." Naruto quivered.

"I meant Squirrelly you brain-dead dolt!" Kakashi hissed. Suddenly his face looked serious, like he had just realized something atrocious was going to happen.

"I just realized something atrocious was going to happen." Kakashi pronounced solemnly. Naruto followed his eyes down the street, and his face looked grave like Kakashi's. "Squirrelly is on the loose."

Terror in its own words.


	5. No One in Particular

**Chapter Five- No One in Particular**

**_ A/N: Oh dear oh dear. Chapter Five! May I thank everyone again for reviewing! Now on with the story!_**

* * *

"_Squirrelly is on the loose."_

_Terror in its own words. _

* * *

"Ugh..." Sasuke grabbed his throbbing head and lay on his bed, determine to disperse the pain in time for his date with Sakura. He heard Itachi moving stuff around in the room next door (it had been a walk-in storage closet until it became Itachi's room.) Everything felt so strange. Wasn't Itachi going to come kill him already? He heard Itachi shuffle out of the room. A second later a knock was heard on his bedroom door. "Come in," He croaked, his throat and mouth going dry.

Itachi poked his head in, carrying a huge box labeled CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS, "Where do these go..." Itachi's forehead furrowed.

"What?" Sasuke asked.

"Man, you don't look good." Itachi remarked, "Did you check your temperature?"

"Why do you care?" Sasuke retorted coldly.

Itachi didn't seem to hear him. He took out a thermometer and shoved it into Sasuke's mouth and tapped his foot until it went _ding_! He took it out and examined it. "109 degrees!?" Itachi shouted, and threw Sasuke over his shoulder, "We are going to the emergency room!" Sasuke looked p'oed.

"It's upside down you tomato-head."

"It is? 106 then." Itachi started to calm down. "Go back to your room." He ordered.

"No! I need... to... get those shirts...from the clea..ners..." Blood started rushing to Sasuke's head. Itachi put him down, and he stumbled to his bed and collapsed, "My... head..."

"Get what shirts?" Itachi inquired. Sasuke moaned.

"Date... with... Sakura... six...pm..." Sasuke was not able to put together a coherent sentence. Itachi connected the dots in his head.

"You have a date with that pink-haired girl at six?" Itachi guessed. Sasuke nodded solemnly and moaned again. Itachi thought for a moment, "Brainblast!"

"Huh?" Sasuke asked, "What is it?"

"I'll go on the date for you!"

* * *

Two dark figures, shroud in black, moved through the nightfall mist, their faces concealed, on a manhunt.

Or, say, a _squirrel_hunt.

"Naruto." Kakashi whispered, "Where did you last see it?"

"WELL," Naruto said very audibly, and Kakashi covered his mouth.

"Shhhhh!" Kakashi hissed, and removed his hand.

"It was by the ramen place." Naruto murmured back to him. Kakashi nodded and motioned for the blonde ninja to follow. They crept down the alley, feeling like total badasses. They peeked their heads around the corner, and their eyes searched the grounds for this rabid brute. Their footsteps echoed against the cold, stale night...

"Why does this sound like a cheesy adventure novel?" Naruto asked no one in particular.

"...Because... the author needs somewhere to put her cheesy ideas, and unfortunately is falls to you..." answered No One in Particular.

"Oh, really?" Naruto replied, considering this bit of information.

"Who are you talking to?" Kakashi asked.

"No one in particular."

* * *

Itachi straightened his tie and made sure his tux pants were long enough, and checked himself out in the mirror. He had removed his headband and took out his best tuxedo from Armandi. The tux was something of personal pride to him, since he had used Sasuke's college savings to purchase it. He couldn't believe he volunteered to do this.

1.I tachi was really reserved around people in general, so girls were something of uncharted territory.

2. Was Sakura really going to believe he was Sasuke?

3. This is insane!

Well, if things didn't work out, at least it would be a good laugh. Itachi did a final check and popped a Tic-Tac in his mouth (those things are lifesavers!) Then he went into Don Juan mode and strolled toward his car. He pulled out of his driveway and drove away from the Uchiha home, wanting to make this the best date ever. And Uchiha Itachi always gets what he wants.

Most of the time anyway.


	6. Feeling Very Italian

**Chapter Sei- Feeling Very Italian**

**_ A/N: I wasn't so sure bout this chapter- tell me what you think. Thanks to gaara and darkangel for reviewing! I meant to reply to your reviews sooner- dang that laziness bug!_**

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_And Uchiha Itachi always gets what he wants._

_Most of the time anyway._

* * *

Sakura looked beautiful. Everyone who stopped her on the street said so. That only boosted her confidence, the extra confidence she needed, because she was going to kiss Sasuke tonight for damn sure. There relationship was a two months old, she thought it deserved a kiss. Ino could sob over all the pin-ups she had of Sasuke for all Sakura cared. The doorbell rang, and Sakura's heart skipped a beat and quickly strapped on a cute pair of Manolo Blahniks. "Coming!" she called, and hurried down the hall, or as fast as you can go in three-inch heels. She wondered if Sasuke would like it. What if they didn't match and he was really dressed down? What if her Chanel No. 5 perfume was too strong? What if she was too tall in her heels? What if---

Someone please tell the What If guy to shut the hell up.

Sakura undid the lock on her door and turned it and smiled to greet her date, Uchiha...

"ITACHI?!" she demanded, but couldn't help admiring how cute he looked in a black tux. And she was also happy she picked out her hip-hugging long black dress with the pearl necklace, since now they matched! Her heart dropped. Apparently she couldn't have her first kiss with Sasuke tonight. Oh well, the hot older brother will have to do.

"Hey Sakura." Itachi smiled at her. It seemed really smooth and all that, but really he was super-glad he put that Tic-Tac in his mouth and was grateful he remembered her name.

"Hi Itachi- I didn't know you'd be here." Sakura replied, and a part of her wondered why she was speaking so casually to a ex-infamous assassin.

"Mm. Sasuke wasn't feeling well." Itachi admitted, "But we couldn't let a pretty girl go a Saturday night dateless could we?"

Sakura giggled girlishly, and had to remind herself this was just going to be a friendly date with a _FRIEND_. Besides, it wasn't Itachi's fault he was hot. Speaking of Itachi, he congratulated himself on his smooth line and took her arm. They walked toward his car and drove to a nearby concert that was playing (classical music of course) . Only if they knew who was performing...

* * *

Sasuke was miserable. REALLY miserable. Sakura is probably really pissed off at him. Hopefully Itachi would smooth things out with her. Just the thought of Itachi was enough to scare Sasuke. You can easily forgive, but it's not so easy to forget.

Suddenly he heard a window shatter. Sasuke's blood froze and his breathing quickened, like it did on the night of the murder of the Uchiha clan. _Atkatsuki? _He couldn't help but think. He grabbed a lacrosse stick from one of the boxes and crept toward the door. He heard hushed voices outside his bedroom door. Funny, they sounded familiar...

Suddenly his door got abruptly pushed open and he fell onto the ground. Standing before him was two figures shroud in black. The shorter one of the too was holding a net, and they both seemed poised to act. An _eep_ sound involuntarily erupted from his throat. Suddenly they both froze.

"Was that..." one of them whispered.

"Who else makes _eep_ sounds?" the other replied. Sasuke backed away.

"Get it!!" The taller of the two whispered-shouted, and Sasuke vaguely recognized the voice. His shorter partner-in-crime leaped and caught Sasuke with the net. Sasuke thrashed about, but he was trapped.

"Got 'em! Time to put this little fella back in his cage!" the short guy declared. The taller one flicked on the lights. Sasuke recognized them at once. Kakashi and Naruto!

"Morons..." Sasuke moaned.

"It's Sasuke!" Naruto exclaimed.

"What!? I was sure it was Squirrelly!" Kakashi shouted. They quickly removed the net from Sasuke. Sasuke glared at them.

"What the bloody hell are you two doing?" Sasuke demanded.

"I should say the same. Aren't you supposed to be out with Sakura tonight?" Naruto replied.

"So you could break into my house looking for some rabid squirrel?" Sasuke shot back.

"Actually somebody said they saw a squirrel around here, so we came. Where's Itachi?" Kakashi asked.

"He's out with Sakura." Sasuke sighed, and told them the whole story.

"You let Itachi take your girlfriend out on a date?!" Naruto shouted, "What kind of dumbass are you?"

"Shut up Naruto." Kakashi seemed to be trying to think.

"I don't know!" Sasuke shouted, "Now Sakura will be mad..."

"Even worse." Naruto assured him.

"What?" Sasuke wailed.

"She could dump you and then go out with Itachi." Kakashi put in.

"What! Hell no!" Sasuke leaped up and got on his coat.

"You can't go. You don't even know where they are!" Kakashi told him. Sasuke shrugged and started strapping on his sandals. "Besides, you're in your pajamas."

"So?"

"But you have to help us!" Naruto wailed, "Squirrelly is on the loose!!!"

"Indeed!" Kakashi agreed. Sasuke started walking toward the door then turned around and looked at them.

"If we can find my brother and Sakura, then Itachi will help you." Sasuke promised, hoping Itachi would comply.

"Really!?" They both shouted in unison.

"Yes, let's go now!"

* * *

Sakura and Itachi arrived at the classical music concert, where Sakura pulled him toward a group of girls enjoying a concert. Itachi soon learned their names. Ino, a blonde-haired girl who thought she was a striking beauty queen, and Hinata, a black haired girl that was so shy and spoke so softly Itachi had to strain his ears to hear what she had to say.

Backstage, the whole jazzamania was having a spasm. The band had yet to show up, and the host was ready to go out and apologize to the waiting crowd. Then a tall man of blue coloration entered the premises. It was Kisame. Apparently he had given up trying to be a Barbie World Girl and now was trying to leave his mark as an Italian singer. The host quickly escorted him to closet and hair, and sighed. His show would be saved.

Fifteen minutes later, Kisame strutted out onto the stage, feeling very Italian. Itachi gasped. "What?" Sakura inquired. Itachi pointed to the stage, and took a long drink of beer. He really needed it.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen." Kisame began, and everyone cheered, "I have a song to sing, and I will call up three couples to dance to it." Kisame grinned, showing a mouthful of shark teeth. He started calling up couples- a middle aged husband and wife, Hinata and a teenage boy at least four years older, and Kurenai and... Itachi?

"No..." Itachi prayed it wasn't him. Kurenai walked up to center stage, not even knowing who she was about to dance with. Itachi had a momentary flashback.

_He was tied to a tree, and he looks up. Kurenai was emerging from the tree trunk, a dagger unsheathed._

"_This is... it!" she declared, and thrust it down toward him._

Damn, this was not going to be a happy day.


	7. Back in Old Napoli

**Chapter Seven- Back in Old Napoli **

**_ A/N: Thanks to y'all for reading and reviewing AGAIN! Seriously you guys are the best! This chapter includes the oddest Itachi pairing you will ever read! And this is NOT Itachi/Sakura by the way. It is sorta romantic but mostly humour. Actually now that I think about it, it's sorta everything... Anyway the song Kisame sings is lyrics from Italian singer Dean Martin's, "That's Amore." Get his CD! It's really awesome!_**

* * *

"_This is... it!" she declared, and thrust it down toward him._

_Damn, this was not going to be a happy day. _

* * *

Itachi walked up to the stage, feeling very like somebody who was walking up to the stage to be executed. And the executioner was a girl with black hair and red eyes that the author thinks would look really cute with him. "I've broken the fourth wall," he realized. That is story superstition that something bad will definitely happen. In this case, quicker then you think.

Kurenai was eyeing him suspiciously, then pulled him close, "What the hell are you and Kisame doing? I suppose some more Atkatsuki members are here also huh?"

Itachi stared at her blankly, "Wha..."

Kurenai looked at him for a short while, "Well, unless we want to look like complete mucking forons in public, we better start dancing huh?"

"Indeed." Itachi concurred, and Kurenai wrapped her arms around his neck, and he awkwardly placed his hands on her hips. Kisame raised the microphone to his mouth.

"_In Napoli where love is king, When boy meets girl here's what they say," Kisame sang. Itachi couldn't bring himself to look at Kurenai, who was glaring at him._

"_When the moon hits you eye like a big pizza pie  
That's amore  
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine  
That's amore  
Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling  
And you'll sing "Vita bella"  
Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay  
Like a gay tarantella!" Kisame belted loudly._

Kisame halted his singing as the chorus started, "Now gentlemen, it is customary in Italian culture to kiss the beautiful woman you're dancing with." Everyone on staged blushed madly, and this brought roars of laughter on the audience's part.

The middle aged couple didn't hesitate, and the other two couples watched indiscreetly for a few moments. The teenage boy nervously leaned down and pecked Hinata on the lips, and her face reddened like a tomato. Itachi gulped. _Here goes, _he thought. He lowered his face down, praying that he possessed a teaspoon of kissing talent. He pressed his lips against hers, and was amazed how much he liked it. They started swaying back in forth, and they can hear an, "Awww!!' from the crowd. Kisame cupped the spot where his ear would be if it was not covered by his headband, "Do I hear wedding bells ringing?" The audience chuckled.

Finally Kurenai came up for air. She looked at him, the hard look in her eyes softened. Itachi didn't know what to say except mutter an apology. She grinned, "That really turned me on."

* * *

"This must be it!" Sasuke huffed as he hurried up the steps of the concert hall, Kakashi and Naruto at his heels, "Where's Sakura..." Sasuke wondered aloud.

Kakashi called them over, "Over here!" He had found an open door. Sasuke and Naruto quickly joined him, and they cautiously opened the door and dashed in... and also slammed into two hundred pounds of a bouncer. And none of it was fat. "Oh dear indeed." Kakashi moaned.

"Do you have a reservation?" The bouncer gave them an once-over, and frowned in disapproval. Sasuke moved his way to the front of the triumvirate.

"Uchiha, party of two." Sasuke told him. The bouncer looked down the list.

"Uchiha, Uchiha... Ah! Uchiha." The bouncer eyes returned to Sasuke again. "It says here that the Uchiha party has already arrived sir. And by the looks of it, you three men are a group of three." Sasuke and Naruto straightened up at the prospect of being, "men." Kakashi quickly intervened.

"Hatake, party of five." Kakashi told him. The bouncer looked down the list, and shook his head. "Let me see." Kakashi looked down the list and started negotiating with the bouncer. Naruto and Sasuke got the clue and snuck past into the concert hall.

Back up on stage...

"OKAY EVERYONE!" Kisame shouted to the cheering crowd, "Now our victims—err lucky volunteers, must succumb to the level of dancing... the CHICKEN DANCE!!"

"NO!" Itachi shouted in dismay. But to avoid looking like a prune, he started to dance along with them. Kurenai bit her lip to keep herself from laughing. Seeing an Akatsuki member do the CHICKEN DANCE was definitely something not seen every day. Especially this particularly infamous assassin.

Sasuke found his way down the hall and opened it. His eyes were immediately attracted to the stage, and his jaw fell open. There was older big brother doing the CHICKEN DANCE!

"What?" Naruto asked, catching up, and Sasuke pointed. Naruto burst out laughing, seeing quiet Hinata doing the CHICKEN DANCE with the best of them! Sasuke grinned an evil-little-brother grin.

"I will personally make sure he'll never EVER live this down!" Sasuke declared.


	8. Babysitting Fun!

**Chapter Seven- Babysitting Fun!**

**_ A/N: It's exactly what is says- Babysitting Fun!_**

* * *

"_I will personally make sure he'll never EVER live this down!" Sasuke declared._

* * *

It had been two days after the date with Sakura, and Squirrelly was still running rampant, but so far, everything was good. The Uchiha brothers were watching football and indulging in ice cream straight from the carton on a Saturday.

Yup, it didn't get much better then this.

Sasuke waved his spoon in the air, "What flavor is this?" Itachi took the carton from him and looked around for the flavor. Just when he was about to answer, the doorbell rang.

"Got it!" Itachi leaped up from the couch and quickly wiped the ice cream from his mouth with the back of his hand. A second later, he opened the door. It was Hanako (She's an OC) from down the road when they were still living in the Uchiha residence. Itachi recalled going to school with her, and having a minor crush on her also. Even though the infatuation had long past, heat still rose to his face when he greeted her.

"Uchiha! It's been a long time!" Hanako replied. Then she added, "You've grown into a very handsome young man." Itachi wondered why she sounded so much like his grandma. Then he recalled she often acted older then her age of twenty-one years.

"I have a favor to ask Sasuke, but you might do also. In fact how bout both of you. It's a bit of a handful."

"I can handle it." Itachi declared. Hanako rolled her eyes playfully.

"No, I want both of your help." she argued.

"SASUKE!" Itachi yelled down the hall. Sasuke came running down the hall and joined his brother.

"Hi," Sasuke said nervously. Hanako used to be his puppy dog crush when she came over every day with Itachi to do homework. Sasuke actually believed he and Hanako would be married.

"Make that two. Both of you are such handsome young men!" Hanako gushed.

"You're young too, don't forget that." Itachi reminded her.

"I know I know. But that's not what I came here to ask you." Hanako told them, "You know where my house is right?" They nodded simultaneously. "I have the cutest little kids in the world, but I'm going out on a date with my husband tonight and the babysitter is sick! So I was wondering if you could babysit them for me? It's only for two hours." Sasuke weighed his options.

"How much an hour?" Sasuke inquired. Itachi covered Sasuke's mouth.

"Of course. What time?" Itachi hurriedly added.

"Oh, around six." Hanako informed them, "And I'll pay you each about fifteen dollars an hour." Itachi grinned. He could certainly use sixty dollars, assuming Sasuke would hand over his earnings.

"We're on the job!" Sasuke said enthusiastically.

"Thanks! You two are the best!" She hugged them each, and then headed back to her house.

When they sat back down, Sasuke was filled with panic, "I've never babysitted before!"

Itachi dismissed the thought, "How hard can it be?"


	9. Babysittinf Fun II

**Chapter Eight- Babysitting Fun II!**

**_ A/N: It's exactly what is says- Babysitting Fun II! _**

_**(Sorry Darkangel for not replying to your last few reviews- I had to spin this chapter out pretty fast!)**_

* * *

_When they sat back down, Sasuke was filled with panic, "I've never babysitted before!" _

_Itachi dismissed the thought, "How hard can it be?"_

* * *

It was 6 PM.

Six PM...

Six frickin PM.

"Sasuke, shut up." Itachi told him. Sasuke stopped his narration. They were driving in Itachi's Mercedes Benz (a gift from his parents when he was 16) to Hanako's home. It smelled like a car just recently cleaned (after all, Itachi had just taken Sakura out on a date.) Itachi was keeping his eyes on the road since it was raining. Sasuke leaned over and started flipping through the songs on his brother's CD. He finally selected, "Mr. Jack" from System of a Down. For some reason, it sort of described his brother.

_Hey Mr. Jack,  
Is that the mouthwash in your eyes?  
Hey Mr. Jack,  
Is that the cause of your surprise?_

_Hey Mr. Jack,  
Is that the trick of your_

_disguise?  
Hey Mr. Jack,  
Is that the cause of your_

_demise?_

"Where are we going?" Sasuke asked. He didn't recognize where they were through all the rain.

"Nowhere, if the traffic doesn't thin out." Itachi answered, swerving to another lane. Sasuke punched his brother in the shoulder to get his attention, causing Itachi to let go of the wheel, sending the car into a spiral. "Damn!" Itachi attempted to regain control of the car and slammed into a silver Lamborghini nearby, "Craaaap." Both of the cars swerved to a side lane so their owners could duke it out. A man with long blonde hair tied into a ponytail got out of the silver Lamborghini. Itachi vaguely recognized him from somewhere.

"Dude!" the blonde haired man said, "That wasn't cool man."

Then he looked at Itachi agained, "Uchiha? _Uchihas_?" he added when he noticed Sasuke, "Itachi."

"Deidara?" Itachi pulled the name from his slowly returning memory.

"Yeah, it's me." Deidara told him, "The leader's been asking for you."

* * *

Naruto and Kakashi entered the premises of the ramen place and were drop-dead shocked at what they witnessed.

SQUIRRELLY

WAS

ON

THE

SHELF

EATING

DORITOS.

"Squirrelly." Naruto hissed angrily.

"Indeed." Kakashi hissed in chorus. Squirrelly slowly turned its head, like they were in slow motion. A catchy action tune blasted from the MP3 player the chef turned on. Kakashi and Naruto posed like James Bond. Squirrelly's eyes narrowed. Naruto and Kakashi did the same.

"Hyaaaaaa!" Naruto yelled and did a karate kick forward. Kakashi groaned.

"Have you forgotten all you learned at the Academy?" Kakashi said to himself. Then he started summoning chakra. It looked like it was going to turn out to be a kickass fight, until...

"Would you like it to go or for here?" the chef inquired Naruto.

"Oh screw it!" Kakashi declared. He was going to get Squirrelly himself.

Squirrelly didn't waste a moment. It leapt from the shelf and aimed straight for Kakashi's forehead. Kakashi ducked, and it perched itself right on his head and said in a monotone voice, "Operation 456: Brainwashing Activation."

* * *

"...The leader?" Itachi asked Deidara.

"Yeah, you need to come with me man." Deidara stated.

"Itachi?!" Sasuke felt deceived and wanted to kill himself for believing this shit Itachi had been selling for the last few days, ever since Team Seven found him in the forest.

"Sasuke, quiet!" Itachi hissed. Deidara looked at Sasuke and back at Itachi.

"Your little brother is still alive? Isn't like you to do that." Deidara commented.

"I wouldn't kill Sasuke." Itachi kept his voice even. Deidara responded with an apprehensive glance. Sasuke now felt confused.

"You OK, Uchiha?" Deidara asked.

"I'm fine. But I won't go with you to see any leader, if that's what you want." Itachi answered and started heading back to the car. Sasuke hurried after him.

"Come on dude. What if I do a favor for you?" Deidara pleaded.

Itachi stopped and weighed his options. Then he went over and told Deidara something Sasuke couldn't hear.

"BABY-SIT?" Deidara shouted. Itachi nodded. "You serious?" Deidara wondered.

"Hundred percent." Itachi responded.

"Fine. Just let me get a pen and some paper to write down the address." Deidara said reluctantly. Sasuke started laughing and poked Itachi. When Itachi saw he joined in with the hilarity. Deidara craned his neck behind him and his eyes widened.

"No. Frickin'. Way!" Deidara wailed. His Lamborghini was being towed away. Only then did he notice the sign that he parked his car next to. ALL CARS GET TOWED WITHIN TWO MINUTES OF BEING PARKED.

"Wanna come with us?" Sasuke volunteered. He had to do something to help the poor guy out. Deidara nodded and got into the backseat of the car, while Sasuke sat in the front with Itachi.

* * *

Twenty minutes later they arrived at Hanako's home. Itachi rang the doorbell and Hanako answered. Deidara's jaw dropped.

"H-hai." he stammered.

"Hanako, sorry for being late." Itachi apologized, "We sort of got in an accident on the freeway. Then he added, "We brought a friend along. His name is Deidara."

"Hello Deidara. Just come on in and I'll introduce you to the kiddos." Hanako walked down the hall in her leather high heels. Deidara shook his head.

"Man, you live near her? Frickin' not fair." Deidara muttered as he followed her down the hall like a puppy dog. Itachi grinned and shook his head and Sasuke bit his lip to keep himself from laughing.

"This is Valerie. She's four." Hanako picked her eldest daughter up from the ground. Valerie smiled and waved.

"Hi!" Valerie squealed. Itachi shook her hand and said, "Hello miss. You better behave tonight." She giggled.

"And this is Bryan." Hanako pointed to the little two-year old watching TV. He turned to face them.

"Yo man!" Deidara said enthusiastically. Sasuke shared a fist bump with Bryan.

"I'm sure you'll all get along. I have to meet my husband in five minutes. Toodles." She winked and left.

"Hot mama." Deidara commented.

So, the two Atkatsuki members embarked on their hardest mission yet--- babysitting!


	10. Babysitting Fun III

**Chapter 10- Babysitting Fun III!**

_ **A/N: It's exactly what is says- Babysitting Fun III! **_

_**Thanks to all my reviewers-**_

**Lise Alexandria **

**Cherriy**

**xXUrbanRegalityXx**

**EmbellishedTruth**

**Gaarasbloodygirl**

**Warrior Kamaru**

**darkangel211101**

**And special thanks to**

**darkangel211101 **

**for reviewing every single chapter!**

**and**

**Cherriy**

**for beta reading my story to make sure it is OK!**

* * *

_So, the two Atkatsuki members embarked on their hardest mission yet--- babysitting!_

* * *

"Here's the game plan." Itachi, Sasuke, and Deidara were in a group huddle, and Itachi was depicting the strategy, "Sasuke, you entertain Bryan, Deidara, you take Valerie, and I'll cover dinner. Deal?"

"Sure." Sasuke agreed, knowing he'd have to watch Blues Clues for the next three thousand, six hundred seconds of his life.

"Man, I'll don't wanna play Barbies for an hour!" Deidara whined.

"Hey, I have to fix dinner!" Itachi argued, but was quite pleased with the job he assigned himself. He wouldn't have to deal with little kids.

"Dude..." Deidara moaned he let Valerie dragged him away.

Sasuke and Itachi stifled their laughter and shared a grin. "Better get started on dinner. Sasu, ask the kiddos and Deidara what they want for dinner."

"Bryan, whatcha want for dinner?" Sasuke hefted Bryan onto his lap as they watched Higglytown Heroes on TV.

"Spaghetti." Bryan mumbled as he watched television.

"Deidara!" Sasuke called.

"Yeah?" Deidara shouted back.

"Whatcha want for dinner?"

"Somethin' edible man!"

"Spaghetti it is then." Itachi thought aloud as he wandered into the pantry. He tapped his bottom teeth as he surveyed his options. He started grabbing random jars, not even reading the labels, "Bon appetite!" Itachi declared as he started dumping it all into a bowl.

* * *

"So yo, whatcha wanna do?" Deidara asked as he flopped onto Valerie's bed.

"I know! Let's play beauty shop!" Valerie squealed and pulled on his hand. Deidara attempted to pry away from her, but the last thing he do was to make he cry, so he allowed himself to be pulled down to Hanako's bathroom.

"We can use Mommy's make-up." Valerie explained as she climbed onto the counter, opening up a jewelry box, a make-up set, and hair products. She started tossing stuff on the ground.

"Hey, don't make a mess there." Deidara warned.

"I know, I know." Valerie told him, pulling out a curling iron and plugging it in, "This gets super hot!" Valerie exclaimed, jumping down and pulling two chairs over. Deidara idly sat down on one of them.

"You got such pwetty hair." Valerie cooed as she fingered Deidara's tresses.

"Uh, cool." Deidara replied, not really sure how to respond to that.

"Can I do your hair?" Her eyes sparkled, and he couldn't say no. She pulled Deidara's hair out of its ponytail, "Are you Rapunzel?"

"Nah." Deidara shook away the notion, "I'm not a lady Valerie."

Valerie giggled. "Me do hair now. Be still." she ordered and picked up her curling iron. Deidara closed his eyes, not even wanting to look.

* * *

"Hey." Bryan tugged on Sasuke's sleeve. Sasuke snapped out of it (he had been immerged in watching TV) and looked down at the little guy.

"Yeah?" Sasuke asked.

"Sumdin burnin!" Bryan panicked and pointed to the kitchen, and smoke was poring out from under the doorway. Sasuke smelled smoke.

"Stay here." Sasuke set Bryan on the couch and dashed toward the door, his mind racing a hundred miles a minute. He threw open the door and was met by a backlash of smoke. "Itachi!" Sasuke shouted.

"Don't worry lil' bro, I got everything under control!" Itachi hack-coughed back. Sasuke grabbed a cup of water and doused the flames.

"Crapper-doodle Sasu!" Itachi screeched, "That was oil!"

Sasuke's eyes widened, "Crapper-doodle indeed my brethren!"

* * *

"Done!" Valerie unplugged her weapon. Deidara opened his eyes. It wasn't that much, except at the ends his hair was curled. Oh well, he could live with it.

"Hey Valerie, let's go have dinner now!" Deidara chortled optimistically, "We can do beauty shop later." he added when he saw her pout.

"'Kay." Valerie grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hall. Suddenly Deidara sniffed the air.

"SMOKE!" Deidara screamed and threw himself on the ground, "There's fresher air near the ground!" Valerie screeched with excitement and did the same. They started crawling down the stairs and down the hallway. "Itachi my man! Get control of the frickin' stove!"

In the kitchen, the two Uchihas were huddled in a corner, hugging each other, watching the flames.

"We're gonna die!!!" Sasuke cried. Itachi fought back tears.

"I'm sorry Sasuke!" Itachi bawled, "I faaaaailed as an older brother!!"

"I forgive you for killing the clan!" Sasuke coughed as smoke entered his system.

"I forgive you for getting me grounded ten million times!" Itachi apologized.

"But you have to admit, you WERE the one who ate all the cookies in third grade!" Sasuke pointed out.

"No I wasn't!" Itachi countered.

"People!" Deidara snapped, "Frickin Uchihas!" He went over and doused the flames with a hose. Soon all the smoke cleared, and the only sounds were Bryan and Valerie laughing.

"You guys are the best babysitters we ever had!" Valerie exclaimed, "Our last babysitters were so boring—they would _never_ catch the stove on fire!"

Itachi, Deidara, and Sasuke all exchanged glances.

"Deidara." Sasuke coughed.

"Huh? What?" Deidara asked.

"Hair." Itachi coughed.

"Oh. Oops." Deidara tied up his hair.

"We were playing beauty shop!" Valerie giggled. Itachi and Sasuke laughed while Deidara hid his face in embarrassment.

* * *

Soon Sasuke had all the kids watching Wiggles and eating popcorn and ice cream (Itachi's treat—actually the only food he was able to make.) Itachi and Deidara were standing in the kitchen. Itachi was doing dishes, and Deidara was sweeping the ashes off the floor.

"Itachi my man, the Akatsuki needs your opinion." Deidara told him, sweeping it into the dustpan, "Sasori just recently checked the treasury, and we are running low, ever since we had to pay for Tobi's broken leg after he fell from the roof repairing it."

"Oh." Itachi vaguely recalled the Akatsuki, "What are you going to do?"

"No, what are _we_ going to do man. Sasori suggested we release our own Akatsuki merchandise, like soccer balls and things like that." Deidara dumped the ashes into the dustpan. Itachi thought for a moment.

"I just had a brilliant idea." Itachi announced. Deidara looked at him.

"Them iPods, Sasuke had one of them in his ears the other day." Itachi said, stacking dishes. Deidara nodded and motioned for him to continue. "So maybe I could make my own personalized version of it. We would call it, the **iTachi**!" Itachi emphasized the "I" and did quote signs with his fingers to help Deidara get the idea. Deidara thought for a moment, and then a slow grin spread across is face and he snapped his fingers.

"Frickin genius my man!"


	11. The Good Ol Fifty States

**Chapter 11- The Fifty States- Boo Ya!**

_ **A/N: No more babysitting for our favorite men! I'm finally having liberation of writer's block today, and I will continue this lovably brainless chronicles. But this chapter is more serious then most. It's also long too...  
**_

* * *

_Deidara thought for a moment, and then a slow grin spread across is face and he snapped his fingers._

_"Frickin genius my man!" _

* * *

"Thirty... Sixty... Ninety bucks!" Deidara chortled as he ran his thumb along the thick pack of babysitting earnings. They were driving back to the Uchiha residence, Itachi was driving the car, Sasuke was falling asleep in the back, and Deidara was recounting the money for the umpteenth time in the passenger's seat. Itachi took a turn and started driving to the tow place to pick up Deidara's car. Itachi turned on his CD and idly flipped through the tracks. Deidara smacked his hand away and started flipping through them himself. "This song!" he loudly declared.

"Are you hyper or something?" Itachi queried. Deidara was waiting for the track to start.

"What's this song yeah?" Deidara wondered.

"I dunno." Itachi stopped at a red light.

Suddenly, "Smack That" started blasting from the sound system. Itachi quickly turned it down a bit as not to wake his little brother. Deidara was nodding his head to the music.

"I hate this song." Itachi muttered.

As Akon and Eminem wailed from the radio, Deidara was singing along. Itachi rummaged through the ashtray for his headphones to tune said blonde out.

"I feel you creepin', I can see you from my shadow  
Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo," Deidara sang as they pulled up to the tow place. Abruptly he stopped singing, "My Lamborghini Gallardo!" he shouted. Itachi looked at what Deidara was hatefully staring at.

A very familiar sensei was promptly smashing up the two hundred thousand dollar car.

"Kakashi-sensei?" Sasuke murmured, still muddled with sleep. When he got a closer look at Kakashi, he noticed a control panel was on his head, and a very familiar chibi squirrel was operating it. Squirrelly!

"Work slave!" Squirrelly snarled, and Kakashi obediently obeyed.

"No dammit!" Deidara jumped out of his car and stormed over to them, "What the do you boy- think you're doing, hole?" Deidara let out a string of profanity, and some words Itachi hadn't ever heard before. Sasuke's eyes widened. Itachi covered Sasuke's ears.

"If you don't hear it, it's not there!" Itachi yelled.

Squirrelly looked at the S-class criminal with nothing but cruelty. "Mwahahahahahaha! What can you do girly?"

"What?!" Deidara demanded, "You just denounced by masculinity man, and that is so not cool!"

Itachi couldn't bear to see his friend go down like this, so he ran over and started steering Deidara away from the malicious squirrel.

"Itachi, what the heck are you doing? That's my car yeah!" Deidara lamented, "My Lamborghiniiiiii! My baaaaaaaaaby!"

"That's quite enough," Itachi reprimanded him, "Get in the car."

* * *

"OK! Like, everyone, like, listen!" Ino shouted into a microphone at her two friends, Hinata and Sakura. "So, like, we are now, like, officially holding the first, like Uchiha residence STAKE-OUT!" Cheers erupted from her posse.

"Boo-Yea! I will so like, totally kiss Sasuke tonight!" Sakura shouted gleefully. Ino rolled her eyes.

"Well I heard he has a HAWT older brother!" Ino announced.

"... He does..." Hinata murmured, not so audibly. Then all of them looked toward each other and screamed girlishly. Suddenly a Mercedes Benz pulled up on the driveway.

"OHMIGOSH!" Sakura shouted, and Hinata quickly hushed her.

"Whatwillwedothey'reboyzwhatiftheythinkwe'reuglyandstupid?" Hinata asked fearfully.

"Shut up you two!" Ino snapped. Suddenly a hand reached out and grabbed them. It belonged to a certain blonde haired ninja.

"Naruto?" Ino demanded, "This isn't funny! SO not funny!"

"You guys have to help! It's Squirrelly." Naruto pleaded, "It has kidnapped Kakashi!"

* * *

"I guess I'm bunkin' with the Uchihas tonight yeah?" Deidara asked while Itachi got out of the car.

"Yeah, you're on the couch." Itachi opened the door for Sasuke, who had been sleeping against it. Itachi sighed and heaved the sleeping Sasuke into a piggy-back stance, like he used to do when they were younger. Except Sasuke was a lot more heavy, but Itachi managed to still not crumble under the added weight.

"I'm touched." Deidara hurried to catch up with them, grinning.

"Shaddup." Itachi jabbed him with his elbow and stumbled, almost dropping Sasuke. Deidara pushed him upright again.

"Woah, steady there." Deidara lifted the "Welcome to the Uchiha Home" mat and discovered the house keys. Itachi nodded for him to open the door and shifted Sasuke so he wouldn't drop.

"You got a frickin' awesome pad man. It's cleaner then mine yeah." Deidara commented.

"Why do you say 'yeah' so much?" Itachi inquired.

"Just a habit. Why do you act like Sasuke's parent? You're acting so... older brother-like." Deidara replied.

"Once a blonde always a blonde." Itachi grinned, "I AM his older brother." He dropped Sasuke onto his bed. He walked down the hall and pointed to the pull-out couch. "Your new bed."

"Cool man." Deidara flopped onto the bed and fell asleep pronto.

"G'night." Itachi told him and walked back to his room and stared at the ceiling for awhile, thinking about what Deidara said.

_"Why do you act like Sasuke's parent?"_

"Jeez, I don't know." Itachi accidentally thought aloud.

_Somehow I feel responsible for his lack of family._

_Why?_

"My head... hurts." Itachi thought aloud again. This was too deep of thinking to do at eleven at night. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.

* * *

An hour later Itachi's cell phone rang.

"Who the hell is calling me at midnight?" he mumbled and picked up his black Razr phone, "What?" he snapped, forgetting his manners.

"Sorry." Sasori said on the other end, "I am calling an emergency meeting of the Atkatsuki via cell phone. How do you work a seven way?"

Itachi sighed and then gave him directions. Soon Kisame, Deidara, Zetsu, Tobi, and the leader were all on the line.

"You better have a good reason for this Sasori," the leader growled.

"I do I do!" Sasori insisted, "Itachi knows about out financial plight correct?"

"I do." Itachi answered.

"So you guys are aware there are millions of fans just dying to be us right?"

"No." they all said.

"Well there are. So maybe we can make our first issue of the _Atkatsuki Magazine_." Sasori announced,"Like we'll have an advice column and everything!"

Silence ensued from his co-workers.

"I like Itachi's idea better." Deidara told Sasori.

"Spit it out." Sasori seemed annoyed. Itachi told them about the iTachi.

"Good idea!" the leader applauded.

"Good idea..." all of them echoed, jealous. Itachi smiled in pride.

"We can use our magazine to promote it!" Sasori pressed.

Kisame sighed, "Let's just say we agreed to this, what would we do?"

"Well, we would fly out to the fifty states to shoot our magazine cover. We could go to California!" Sasori exclaimed.

"Who would be on the front cover?" the leader asked.

"Well obviously it has to be either Itachi or Deidara," Tobi pointed out.

"I'm not meant to model." Itachi protested, but they didn't hear him. They were discussing the details of everything.

"Alright! It's a done deal!" the leader closed the chatter, "Tomorrow, or actually later today, we'll be flying first class to Californiaaaa!"

"What about the money?"

"Never mind the money! We sold Sasori's two Ferraris!" Kisame chortled. Sasori gasped.

"Only under one condition." Itachi told them.

"Yeah?"

"Can my lil' bro come along?"


	12. Akatsuki Airforce

**Chapter 12- Akatsuki Airforce**

_ **A/N: 38 reviews? dies I never thought I'd get this many! I wonder if I left anything out- I hope I didn't.**_

* * *

_"Only under one condition." Itachi told them._

_"Yeah?"_

_"Can my lil' bro come along?"_

* * *

It was the afternoon of the departure, and Itachi was packing Sasuke's clothes for the trip. He heard the front door slam. "I'm home!" Sasuke called, "Itachi, we have a guest."

"Huh?" Itachi poked his head into the hallway and saw a familiar pink-haired girl standing next to Sasuke.

"Sakura, it's nice to meet you again." Itachi greeted. He wanted Sasuke to think his feelings for Sakura were strictly platonic, which they were.

"Itachi, what were you doing in my room?" Sasuke inquired, keeping his tone friendly, but there was a hint of suspicion in his undertone.

"I didn't tell you? We're going to California!" Itachi then explained the whole _Atkatsuki Magazine_ scheme that Sasori had talked them all into.

"Traveling with S-rank criminals to California so they could publicize themselves? I'll take a pass." Sasuke told him.

"You're not staying home alone Sasuke." Itachi said strictly.

"I've been doing that for the last nine years or whatnot of my life, what's the big deal?" Sasuke countered.

"Would you go if you knew Sakura was going?" Itachi shot back, looking at her, pleading with his eyes to play along.

"I always wanted to be in a magazine! It'll be a lot of fun Sasuke!" Sakura chirped. Sasuke looked at the floor, weighing his options. Then he looked up and actually smiled.

"Why not?"

* * *

An hour later, Itachi handed his car over to the valet. Sakura pulled along a Louis Vuitton suitcase, and lowered her aviator sunglasses to look around the airport. "Where's everyone else?"

"We're going to meet them at the security checkpoint." Itachi answered, piling their suitcases onto a cart. A security guard hurried over and carted it away.

"This is so exciting!" Sakura squealed. She had never traveled outside her home country before alone, and never with a boyfriend! She smiled.

"It is." Sasuke responded coolly, but Sakura could see he was excited too. She took his hand and pulled him along as she followed Itachi. Itachi was talking on his cell phone.

"Yeah... Uh... Yeah... I see you! Stand right there!" Itachi shouted. Sasuke and Sakura looked at what he was shouting at. It was the Akatsuki, but they weren't dressed in their signature robes, but clothes you might wear to the airport. Deidara handed the cell phone back to Sasori, since his cell phone went bye bye along with his car thanks to a certain chibi squirrel.

"Yo! Itachi! Midgets! Over here yeah!" Deidara shouted.

"Midgets?" Sasuke twitched. Sakura shrugged, letting it go. This blondie would know her name soon enough.

The leader came up and joined his S-class criminal group. He was decked out in a long black _Matrix_-esque robes with matching sunglasses. "Yo yo yo wassup homies!?" he shouted. Some people looked at his with distaste. The leader quickly dropped the act.

"Are you all ready to go?" he added. Then he noticed Sakura, "Who's the babe?"

"She's..." Itachi began.

"My girlfriend." Sasuke answered proudly, wrapping an arm around Sakura. Some whistles and cat-calls were heard from random members. Sakura kept her face from reddening.

"Lucky man." Kisame commented. Apparently he had returned from the throes of insanity, thanks to a good psychologist and rehab. Still Itachi kept his distance from the shark man for safety measures.

"Are you guys ready to go? The plane's here!" Sasori cheered. Everyone gathered their carry-ons and waited at the gates. Soon they were allowed to board. Itachi winced. He'd always hated commercial airplanes- they were recipes for claustrophobia, they smelled like vomit cleaner, and the list goes on and on. But instead of running out of there and hopping on a private jet, he asked Sasori where they were sitting. Sasori, who had recently assumed the position of travel guide, directed him to the back, where a table had unfolded. There was a notepad, an Evian bottle of water, and knife sharp pencils in front of each seat. Each notebook was personalized (there was one for Sakura too, thanks to the leader's connections in the business.)

"Frickin' loaded!" Deidara cheered and hopped into the chair with the notebook with "Deidara" on it. Everyone took their seats and waited for the plane to take off. Sasuke passed out grape Bubblelicious bubblegum to everyone to avoid any ear-popping. Everyone chewed into their slab of bubblegum immediately, relishing in the sugar rush, except for Deidara.

"I like Trident." Deidara complained. Sasuke looked at him annoyed.

"Sorry, I couldn't cater to you needs Barbie." Sasuke sneered.

"I like Orbit gum." Itachi immediately offered, to avoid the airplane becoming a battlefield.

"Barbie...?" Kisame thought aloud. Then he started singing, "I'm a Barbie Girl... In a Barbie Wooorld..." Everyone's faces paled.

"I'm made of plastic, it's FANTASTIC!" Kisame belted out his lyrics like Jennifer Hudson.

"Stop the killing!" Deidara shouted, covering his ears.

"You can brush my hair, and..." Kisame was shoved into the lavatory and they slammed the door. The leader threw himself against the door to prevent Kisame from re-entering the premises.

"Carry on with the meeting." he added calmly, when shot strange looks.

Sasori sat up straight, shuffled his papers, and cleared his voice. "I hereby declare the _Akatsuki Maga_zine first editorial meeting now in session."

Zetsu pushed papers to everyone that held the course of meeting- what they were going to discuss, etcetera.

"First, what articles do we plan to cover?" Sasori asked.

"I'll head cosmetics and beauty for the fangirls." Sakura offered. Sasori nodded and scribbled it down.

"Uchihas, how bout you two put your heads together and think of something?" Sasori suggested as he titled the paper. Itachi and Sasuke started discussing it among themselves.

"I'll cover gourmet seafood cuisine! And marine biology!" Kisame voiced from the confinements of the lavatory. Sasori added that to his list.

"Deidara?" Sasori inquired, and tapped his pencil on the table waiting for a response. Much to Sasori surprise, and dismay, Deidara had not been paying attention to the proceedings but had instead been fiddling with a Rubik's cube.

"Deidara, you know you can't do those." Sasori said flatly.

"It's the Bible, you get credit for trying." Deidara quoted idly. Everyone stared at him, totally lost. Then Sasuke and Itachi both slammed their hands on the table, attracting the attention of everyone around them.

"We will do the advice column!" Itachi told them.

"OK, what will you call it?" Sasori requested.

"_Ask a Ninja!_"

* * *

"I think we have a clue." Naruto announced. He plucked the Doritos bag from the crime scene, the ramen place. Inside was some magical pretty pony fairy dust from a magical pretty pony fairy wand. He smiled evilly, like a master tactician who had just arranged a winning strategy, "Checkmate."

* * *

Silence quickly made its rounds around the table.

"Well," Sasuke continued, "don't you think it's a good idea?" Sasori shook his head and folded his hands.

"Well, no." he answered, to their surprise, "There is... actually someone has already thought of it."

"Posers." Tobi dismissed.

"Posers or not, Sasori's right, we can't take their ideas." the leader put in, shifting his weight.

"True." everyone agreed. Sasori finished writing and tore out a page from his notebook.

"OK, I got it! I assigned everyone their first articles. Sakura, you're on cosmetics and beauty. Kisame, you're doing gourmet seafood cuisine and animals. Itachi and Sasuke will do the advice article. Zetsu, you'll cover environment, particularly plants. Tobi, you'll do an article on mask-making and how to do it. Leader, you'll be in charge of the editorial and introduction. I'll take charge of what we've been up to. Yet, Deidara still doesn't have anything to do." Sasori tapped the eraser against his bottom teeth.

"Uh..." Deidara looked up from his Rubik's cube, "I can do art and polls." he offered.

"I want to do polls too!" Itachi whined. How come he hadn't thought of that before?

"You'll both work on polls." The leader settled the argument. Itachi and Deidara shared a fist bump.

"Sasuke and Sakura will work together on couple's relationships." Sasori grinned and elbowed Sasuke. Laughter erupted from his fellow Akatsuki members. Sakura giggled girlishly. Sasuke was to her right, Itachi was to her left- an Uchiha sandwich that is. Sasori was sitting next to Sasuke, and Deidara was sitting next to Itachi. Sakura could feel some of the girls' ahead of her watch her with jealousy. They only wished they were hot enough to sit with boys!

Ironically, those girls were Ino and Hinata.

"Forehead?!" Ino whisper-shouted to Hinata, who was sitting across the aisle, "What's up with her and all those hot guys?"

"Why... is she surrounded by all those... men?" Hinata asked fearfully.

Ino mumbled something incoherent, but Hinata didn't really want to know what she said.

Back at the table, Sasori closed the meeting, "Alright, everyone can relax. If anyone comes up with anymore ideas, let me know. For the organized, prominent person, you can begin your articles now, but I'd advise you to wait until we get to California." Everyone took out their sketch pads, iTachis (new slang for iPods), and various other objects to entertain themselves with. A knocking from inside the lavatory was heard.

"Can I come out now?"


	13. Unlucky Thirteen

**Chapter 13- The Last Chapter on Them Traveling-Promise!  
**

_ **A/N: I'm feeling super-duper hyper right now! So, okey, dokey, artichoke let's get a move on with the story! May I thank ALL my reviewers again! You guys are the absolute best. Really. **_

_**Itachi: They don't care! Just write the dang thing crapperdoodle!**_

_**Me: OK OK. VV what awful muses I have.**_

_**Anyway, thanks Lisa Alexandria! I will use most of those questions and the answer also (with a lack of anything more creative to respond to it with ;)  
**_

* * *

_A knocking from inside the lavatory was heard._

_"Can I come out now?"_

* * *

"Sweet old Alabama!" Kisame sang as they entered the luggage area, and the luggage wheel started moving. The _Akatsuki Magazine _staff watched for their luggage. 

"This is California!" the leader told him for the fourteenth time, annoyed.

"Heh heh, that rhymes." said a doddering old woman as she passed the group. The group just shrugged and assumed she had wandered away from a mental institute.

"Look!" a girlish voice shrieked.

"Deidara, I told you not to shriek in public!" Sasori snapped. Deidara pushed him into the luggage wheel on instinct.

"Shaddup!" Deidara yelled, "That wasn't me! ... Oh shit." Sasori was being carried away along with the luggage. He waited for Sasori to come around again so he could pull him out of the wheel. Meanwhile, a rather large bunch ran up to them. They were the detested, horrible, terrible, ominous, menacing... FanGiRlz!

"What are you people?" Itachi demanded.

"Whoa, you look just like Itachi!" one of them yelled.

"We are the FanGiRlz of the USA!" one of her friends handed him a business card.

**F4nGiRlz of T3h USA! Lyk3 c4ll Us!** it read.

"Uh, cool." Itachi told them. They ran off giggling. The group just shrugged again and turned back to what they were doing.

"Where's Sasori?" Deidara thought aloud. He'd expect him to come around again.

"Oh ho ho! This is MY luggage!" a forty-year old lady in Juicy Couture sweats and a way overdone face pulled Sasori from the luggage disposal.

"Hey hey hey! Lady!" Deidara came running over, "What are you doing yeah?"

"He's quite the jackpot isn't he?" the lady giggled. Deidara's face scrunched up in an _ew!_ expression.

"Um, no." Deidara responded, "He has many diseases, and a lot of them are contagious. He has neuropsychological transmittable cancerous syndrome." He added, thinking of the most intelligent words he had in his vocabulary. Sasori glared at him.

"I don't know what that is, but it doesn't sound okey-dokey artichoke!" the lady said nervously, backing away.

"It isn't." Deidara shook his head in agreement.

"Uh, bye! Be careful!" With those pearls of wisdom, she fled the room.

"Neuropsychological transmittable cancerous syndrome?" Not without a laugh Sasori joined the group. Deidara joined the group also.

"Here's our luggage." Itachi pulled his suitcase, Sakura's pull-along Louis Vuitton, and Sasuke's duffel bag from the luggage disposal. He gave it to them, and the fifteen year olds pulled their luggage over to a snack bar to buy something. Kisame grabbed his bag coming by, Deidara's hair got caught in the wheel while leaning down to grab his, but eventually everyone had their own luggage. They went to a local Enterprise to pick up the car. Itachi didn't notice, but it was nighttime outside. Los Angeles was full of roaring taxis, the growl from the populace, and artificial lights. Itachi immediately begin to feel nervous. He was never good in large crowds. The leader pulled up in their new car- a four seat Mercedes. No one knew what to say.

"Leader sir, that's obviously not going to fit all of us, no matter how 'hip' it is." Sasori pointed out.

"It'll work! We'll fit everyone in!" the leader said confidentially. Everyone reluctantly threw the luggage in the trunk. Sasori sat in the front so he could give the leader directions. Sasuke slid in to the far window seat.

"Sakura, if it isn't too much trouble, can you uh... sit on Sasuke's lap?" Itachi asked. Sakura looked at him like he was crazy, but Itachi's eyes said he didn't approve of it either but the circumstances wouldn't be flexible to any other ideas.

"OK." Sakura did so. Itachi ended up sitting on the two seatbelt buckles, which really hurt his rear, but he put on a brave face. Kisame sat in the other seat, Zetsu and Tobi occupied the car carpet, and Deidara sat on the ashtray between the leader and Sasori.

"Comfy?" the leader asked.

"No!" almost everyone except for Kisame shouted back.

"Good, 'cause here we go!" the leader pulled out of the LAX airport. Sasuke grabbed Sakura so she wouldn't go flying, and Deidara gripped the armrests like life support.

The leader might have been a powerful ninja, but he was a dreadful driver. Tobi swore he was going to throw up, Kisame was idly chatting about marine biology to Zetsu, Itachi kept shifting his weight to keep his butt from aching even worse then it already did, Sakura and Sasuke apparently could not handle themselves this close and were kissing, Sasori was shouting directions, and Deidara was screaming they all were going to die. All in all, it was a nightmare of a drive.

* * *

"We found our prime suspect." Naruto announced to his posse, which included Lee and well... nobody else. 

"Who?" Lee asked, tired and just wanting to go to bed.

"The BWGIM." Naruto said, "We analyzed the data and discovered it was from that company who makes pebbles to screw up the minds of young men and places them in innumerable unsystematic places just to be kicked or thrown so they could perform their deeds of wickedness!"

Lee raised an eyebrow.

"It's true! You better come along!"

"And if I don't?" Lee asked.

"Then I'll have everyone referring to your eyebrows as the Bush twins!"

"My eyebrows?" He rubbed his eyebrows and did realize they were long and bushy, "Never!"

"I will!" Naruto threatened.

"Fine fine fine!" Lee stomped off behind Naruto, who began their quest to stop the BWGIM organization that makes pebbles to screw up the minds of young men and places them in innumerable unsystematic places just to be kicked or thrown so they could perform their deeds of wickedness!

* * *

"We're here!" The leader pulled up to their new home, the Ritz Carlton. Itachi began to think he didn't have that much regard for money, even though that's why he was here sitting on seat buckles in the first place, "Everyone OK?" 

A chorus of _sort ofs, nos, acks, _and _my ass hurts _came from his accomplices.

A valet came over and took their luggage and their car. They all climbed out, their backs, necks, and rears aching.

"I am never sitting on an ashtray again." Deidara declared as they entered the hotel. The leader retrieved their room keys and they walked into the old-fashioned elevator. While they were going up, the leader passed out the room keys. There was four room keys- (all except for the leader, they were going to be bunking.)

"Itachi, Sasuke, and Sakura." the leader handed Sakura a room key card. She put it away in her purse. He turned to Sasori, "You and Deidara." Then he handed it to the last of them, "Tobi, Zetsu, and Kisame. I get the last one. Oh look! This is my floor. Meet in the main hall at eight in the morning and get ready to go. Good night."

"Good night." They all replied in unison. Tobi, Zetsu, and Kisame got off at the next floor, with their share of farewells.

"Here's our floor." Itachi said, motioning for Sasuke and Sakura to follow. Sasori and Deidara bid him good night as the elevator door closed. Sasuke walked with Sakura a few steps behind his older brother. Itachi put in his room key. When the light glowed green he opened the door.

"Ok Sakura, you get the bed." Itachi let her through, "Sasuke, you're bunking on the couch and I'll order a rollaway bed." Then they all went around to their own business. Once they were all settled in, they all fell asleep against their own will.

Oh they did NOT know what they were getting into eh?


	14. Dear Uchiha Ninjas

**Chapter 13- The Cover Shot!**

_ **A/N: New muse added- DEIDARA!**_

_**Deidara- WAAAAAA!**_

_**Me- Shut-up you big baby.**_

_**Yeah this chapter is pretty long. But hang with me till the end!**_

* * *

_Oh they did NOT know what they were getting into eh?_

* * *

"Wow!" Sakura shouted over the roar of the waves, "Look at the beach!" She slid on her aviator sunglasses and turned to the group she had come to affectionately call her "boys." They were Sasuke, Itachi, Deidara, and Sasori, and they had been assigned for the cover shot. They were all were sporting surfer jams instead of their traditional Japanese apparel. And apparently training to be S-class criminals (and being an avenger of a clan) had paid off- on any of them there wasn't a single ounce of flab. They weren't exactly bodybuilders though, but their chests were chiseled enough so any one of them could fill in if Itachi chickened out at modeling at the last minute. 

They laid out their towels while Sakura laid out to tan and read her celebrity magazines. She gawked at Britney Spears' latest publicity stunt and was soon indulged in her magazine. Deidara and Itachi had wandered off to find the snack bar, and Sasori and Sasuke were hitting the waves.

"Sakura!" Sasuke shouted from the shore. Sakura looked up and waved. She quickly adjusted her eye-colour-matching bikini top to make her look sexier. "Come on out here!"

In her planning for the romantic outing with Sasuke, actual swimming had not been a part of her plan. But to avoid being a stuck-up prune, and therefore a bad girlfriend, she trotted out, hoping her mascara was waterproof.

"Look at this!" Sasori got knocked over by a wave. When he rose again, his hair was matted to his face and he and Sasuke were bawling with laughter. Sakura adjusted her bun (skillfully crossed with two chopsticks) a bit higher up her head. She dug her French-pedicured feet into the sand and hoped another one of those huge waves would not pass by again, for the sake of the preservation of her carefully-created look.

Sasuke lifted Sakura up as a particularly big flourish of water came by. She sighed with relief. "Sasuke."

"Yeah?" His eyes twinkled with mischief. Sakura opened her mouth to ask why he was in such high spirits, especially since he expressed hate for his brother, but decided it was better left unsaid. Whether Sasuke had forgiven Itachi and came to like the Akatsuki or not was Sasuke's business.

"Nothing." She smiled to reassure him that it was of no importance.

"Good—because you're about to get wet!" He grabbed her and dove into the waves. Sakura was petrified for a moment and wanted to kick Sasuke in the place where the sun don't shine. But when she came up, she was laughing instead. So what if her hairstyle had fallen apart? So what if her mascara was running down her cheeks? (She quickly checked the water's reflection to make sure it wasn't.) This was fun!

"It's time for the shoot!" Deidara and Itachi trotted up to them, with hot dogs as their victory prizes. Sasuke looked at their food quizzically.

"What are those?" everyone seemed to ask at once.

"The All-American hot dog or something." Itachi answered, and Deidara looked at it again.

"It don't look like no dog to me." Deidara pointed out the obvious. And not only that, my grammar teacher would die if she heard someone say what he just said.

"It must be American culture." Sasori mused ominously. Itachi took a big bite of this hot dog in question, and grinned with approval. He swallowed and gave a thumbs up. After the group waited for them to finish their food, it was time for the cover shot. Sasuke ran back and got the surfboard. He planted where Deidara had marked. Itachi quickly got into pose. Sasuke, Sakura, and Sasori stood off to the side to watch. Deidara steadied his new six-hundred dollar digital camera and was about to take the picture when Itachi face changed from the scowl he was supposed to model into one of shock.

"Deidara! Behind you!" Itachi yelled over the roar of the waves.

"What?" Deidara shouted back, not lowering the camera.

"DEIDARA!" They all screamed to get his attention. But it was too late. One abnormally large wave crashed down on the blonde ninja before anyone could do anything. They were silent as they waited for his lifeless corpse to surface. Instead Deidara poked his head out of the swirl of water, totally spankin' alive, and asked where his camera was.

"O-over t-there on y-your left." Sakura stammered, pointing to the left of him. Deidara looked to his right.

"Other way." Sasori instructed, rolling his eyes. Deidara looked in the correct direction and saw a great white shark's mouth open. Inside its jaws was the camera with the Akatsuki's future in it. Deidara didn't scream or run away. He was going to negotiate.

"So Mr. Shark, are you going to be a nice sharky today or a meeean sharky?" Deidara asked the shark, emphasizing the word mean. He waited a few seconds, as if listening to it. "A nice sharky huh? Then just let me reach in and get the cam---!!" Sasori ran over and pulled Deidara away from the ocean beast like a mother might if her little child was about to pick up a lighted nuclear bomb.

"We don't want your arm getting ripped off a second time!" Itachi snapped at the sorrowful fair-haired Akatsuki member. They all started slowly walking up toward the cliff, wondering how they'd tell the leader they lost the six hundred dollar camera and the cover shot. The shark went underwater. When it surfaced, it was Kisame. He held the camera like a trophy.

"You guys! I found the camera! And look! We have the entire beach to ourselves!" Kisame looked around the deserted beach and saw no one. "Guys? Uh... Oh come on! You knew I was kidding! Hey!!"

* * *

They returned to the magazine headquarters- a rented eight story apartment they all pitched in money for. One wall was made of complete glass, and that's where they put their meeting table. A row of Mac computers was in the same wall as the door, and in the back of the room was closet and hair if they needed to take pictures, and the photo shoot was also back there. In the center of the room was some bean bags, and off to the side of that was a stereo and some refreshments if they just wanted to chill. 

Right now, "Can't Stop." by the Red Hot Chili Peppers was blasting. Tobi was at a worktable right next to the computers, working on his mask and putting down notes on how he did it. Zetsu was typing away, and the leader was sipping root beer while lounging on a bean bag. He looked at the incoming figures.

"On the table is some photocopies of our schedule. You might want to look at it." the leader nodded toward the table. Itachi quickly scanned it.

**Monday**

We Arrive

**Tuesday**

We take and format Cover Shot

**Wednesday**

We finish articles and publish

**Thursday**

Red Carpet Event

**Friday**

Concert to promote our Magazine

**Saturday**

We go home.

"Sounds good." Itachi nodded. Soon everyone sat down to work on their articles. Itachi and Sasuke went through the mail and sifted through them and found the best ones. "Ah, this one is from A Thief." Itachi pulled it out. After an hour or so, they came up with their finished product.

**Ask a (REAL) Ninja!**

by Itachi and Sasuke Uchiha

**Give us your most troubling questions and we will try to solve them to the best of our ability! Warning: Uncensored content.**

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_"Do ninjas steal things?"_

_A Thief_

**Itachi: **No, we're NINJAS. You're thinking of

thieves. Because they steal... things... Like PENCILS!

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_"What is the REAL answer to 2 plus 2?"_

_Purple Penguin_

**Sasuke: **Everybody knows it's 22. Birdbrain!

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_"How do you kill Uzumaki Naruto?"_

_Hitler's Moustache_

**Itachi: **Not very challenging at all. First you take an AK-47 and go trigger happy, then you end it with a flashy Sharingan for dramatic effect! Hahhahahahaa! Don't you just love modern technology?

**Sasuke:** Ugh. Moustache makes me think of the time I thought I had stubble (I didn't actually have any) and shaved! Ouch...

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_Who is a better ninja? Sasuke or Naruto? I can't decide! PLEASE HELP! Plus... I like strawberry filled doughnuts!_

_Sassy_

**Itachi: **My little brother for damn sure. Also, you like strawberry filled? I do too! A strange obsession I picked up over the years is a fetish for strawberries.

**Sasuke: **Me!!!!!! Uh, is Sassy a nickname for Sasuke? Weird...

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_Itachi, do you like Deidara? I mean, she's pretty cute huh?  
_

_Yaoi-obsessed FanGirlz of t3h u54!_

**Itachi: **No.

Send us your worst! We dare you!

(Author's Note: Send the questions through private messaging from now until next chapter! But leave a review before you do or I won't even read the question!)

**  
**


	15. Fish Are Friends Not Food

**Chapter 16- Fish Are Friends, Not Food**

**_Sorry for this long-delayed chapter! Very, very bad of me. I made it extra long just for you great people! You can no longer send questions anymore sorry. VV But you are free to e-mail me ideas for plot-arcs! I'm sort of running out. _**

* * *

"This is ridiculous! Absolutely ridiculous!" Kisame roared, bursting into the room, his eyes ablaze. His angry entrance caught everyone's attention. They looked at him quizzically. 

"What?" Itachi ventured. Kisame shoved a photograph into Itachi's hand. Itachi studied it. It was a man sitting in his boat, fishing.

"It's just a guy fishing." Itachi told his blue-skinned associate. Kisame shook his head and replied darkly,

"And what do you think they're fishing for?"

"Fish?" Deidara guessed.

"YES!" Kisame roared into the golden-haired ninja's ear. Deidara cringed.

"So?" Sasori defended Deidara. Kisame controlled himself and then spoke in a quiet, ominous tone.

"I'll have you know that fishes are my cousins. And I will not allow this scheme. I will NOT allow them to murder my family." Kisame looked at all of them with a quiet anger.

"So, Itachi did." Sasuke muttered, turning back to his Mac.

"So, I officially started the campaign, 'Fish are Friends, Not Food.' We will promote it in our magazine." Kisame announced, "Any questions?" Deidara raised his hand.

"Yes?" Kisame asked. He loved it when his associates asked meaningful questions.

"Finding Nemo was an awesome movie yeah." Deidara commented. Kisame refrained from slicing the blonde to pieces with his Somehada blade and resorted to a death glare. Deidara inched away like a scared puppy dog.

* * *

It was the night of the big event- not the red carpet (they already had their share of that, complete with the stylist giving Deidara an floor length Versace gown, and he had to wear it because time didn't permit delivery of a tuxedo.) They were going to perform on their big concert, supported by the Fish Are Friends Not Food campaign and the Cannibal's Fight for Human Rights association. The main song of the night was going to be "Smack That," by Akon featuring Emimen. They had Deidara singing most of it with Itachi, Sasuke, and Sasori as back-up dancers, with Itachi singing the Emimen filler and Sasori taking over afterwards with all of them bursting into chorus. Itachi was in the bathroom, audibly reciting his lines.

Sasuke was in the hallway outside, looking for a comb. He pressed his ear against the door and listened.

"Pedicure, manicure, kitty cat claws.

The way she climbs up and down them poles.

Lookin' like one of them Pretty Cat Dolls."

"Itachi is NOT singing that about Sakura!" He thought angrily. The only one to sing that about Sakura was going to be HE!

* * *

"Helllllooooooo everyone!" Deidara screamed into the roaring crowds, wearing a very Justin Timberlake-esque tuxedo., "We'll kick the night off with 'Smack That' by Akon!" Every fan in the crowd screamed. 

"I feel you creepin' I can see you from my shadow..." Deidara sang, confident and totally ready to get his show on. "Want to jump in my Lamborghi..ni.. G-gall...ar..do..." He was singing in between sobs now, reminiscing about his late expensive vehicle, which had been wrecked by Squirrelly. Sasori was keeping in tune with the dance moves, but he looked at Deidara, wondering if it was part of the show. Something told him it wasn't.

"His Lamborghini? What happened to it?" Sasori hissed in Itachi's ear while still keeping in step.

"Long story, I'll tell you later! Get him off the stage!" Itachi whispered shouted back. Sasori momentarily stepped out of step to go help Deidara. He yanked the microphone from the sobbing blonde and jerked his thumb backstage. Deidara ran backstage, bawling.

"Man, he really loved that thing didn't he?" Sasuke looked backstage in pity.

"We got him it for his eighteenth birthday." Itachi explained as he did a backflip. Finally the Emimen filler came on. Itachi strutted out to the microphone, and Sasuke marched with him. "What are you doing?" Itachi hissed. Sasuke didn't say anything but started singing. Itachi started singing louder over his younger sibling's voice. Man, the Uchihas could be loud when they wanted to be. Sasori rubbed his throbbing temples.

At last the song was over and the whole crew was backstage, frantic about what to do next and trying to calm a howling Deidara down. Okay, they screwed up bad on that last song. And Sasori was not going to let them get away with it

"What are you people doing?!" Sasori yelled at the top of his lungs, "The Uchihas are fighting again, and Deidara is an emotional wreck! I quit!"

Sasori threw up his hands and stormed toward the door. The leader grabbed his ankles and started pleading for him to stay. Itachi had to do something- the Akatsuki was falling apart right in front of his eyes!

"Wait everyone." Itachi stated. All eyes turned to him. "Just leave it to me." he assured them, "After all, I am the great Uchiha Itachi!"

Sasori just continued walking toward the door. The leader, in an act of total desperation, grabbed Kisame's Somehada blade and whacked Sasori's shins with it.

"Shit!" Sasori cussed and collapsed on the ground in a fetal position, hugging his legs to his chest. Itachi pretended he didn't see the wincing Akatsuki in pain and started flipping through the tracks. He found the one he wanted and went dashing onstage.

_"I'm bringing sexy back..."_

* * *

"That's a show everyone!" The leader announced to the screaming hordes of fandom placed before the stage. Backstage, the rest of the team was looking at a preview of their magazine. 

**AKATSUKI MAGAZINE**

**Akatsuki Update for Our Very Akatsuki Fans**

**by the Leader**

Ah, where would the world be without us? Abnormal strength, handsomeness (and beauty for women Akatsuki), Jinchuuriki and kick-ass robes- that what makes us Akatsuki! Of course we have fans! You see them everywhere! They parade us in cosplay, they display us in artwork, they showcase us in fanfiction, and I think it's about time we gave some of that admiration back. So read every article we have so well-crafted, and let us know how much you love us!

**What's Up?**

**by Sasori**

We Akatsuki are a very busy people doing our immoral deeds of malice, but we have decided to take the time out of our action-packed day to catch you up!

Deidara's arms have been thankfully reattached, and Itachi have finally made peace with the Uchiha clan! In fact did you know Sasuke have actually written a few articles for our Magazine. We still have so much to do, yet so little time!

Our publicity outings have been noticed worldwide, and seeing us featured on US Weekly has sure boosted our confidence, and we have many things in the works, including this magazine and possibly even a reality show! We might be detested in Konoha, but hell, we're really the bomb here!

Just keep your eyes peeled for what will happen next!

**Seafood Cuisine- Morally Wrong!**

**by Hoshigaki Kisame**

Fish and chips. Lobster. Shark (AAAGH), and even ICE CREAM! You are eating sea creatures, inanimate and animate alike! How can you live with yourself! You're killing MY FAMILY here! So don't every eat any of this above! NEVER! Or I shall hunt you down with my Somehada blade and teach you a good lesson! All Kisame fans should follow this dictation, or you are not being fans! You are killing me!

If you need to eat something, eat...well...uh... eat the leader! Yeah! Eat him! He shoved me in the lavatory! Yeah, you can eat him, or if you don't want him, Zetsu can.

**Some PRETTY Good Advice for PRETTY Fangirls (or Fanboys also --)!**

**by Haruno Sakura**

Hm, being a gorgeous goddess, yet still be a dedicated Akatsuki fan, a rare situation indeed! What a dilemma! I, Sakura, shall help you out in the enigma.

First you need money, MAC Lipglass for glossy lips, Dior make-up foundation to cover any imperfections, Clinique Skin Care Formula so you don't need the Dior make-up foundation, Bad Gal Mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow, eyelash curlers, gel blush, self tanner, a personal nutritionist and trainer, loads of cash, a Mercedes Benz convertible, Chanel oversized sunglasses, Manolo Blahnik heels, Louis Vuitton bags, only watches made by Coach, Sass and Bide skinny jeans, silk camisoles, cosemetic surgery, a day spa, and a super rich boyfriend to cover your expenses.

Did I forget anything?

**Art Is A Bang!**

**by Deidara**

Art is a bang! Oh yes it is! I love art with a passion yeah! People who don't think I'm a guy are dead wrong hmmph, and people who refuse to believe my gender must despise my artistic side! Whatever yeah.

Art has not been a recent concept. In fact, our creative roots start all the way back in the cavemen times yeah! Take pride my fellow sculptors, artists, painters, writers, singers, poets, actors and actresses, puppet masters, directors, designers and random doodlers! Don't hide behind your art! We are the bang un!

YEAH!

**Mask-Making**

**by Tobi**

Tobi is a good boy! Tobi likes to make masks!

**Environment Etiquette **

**by Zetsu**

When you ever consider taking a walk out in the park, consider the following.

_Be very quiet so you don't disturb the wildlife._

_Be on the lookout for p'oed bears._

_Eat dead carcasses if starving._

_Always bring a fully charged cell phone._

_Master the art of camouflaging. (If you have to blend in with flamingos, sorry guys, you'll have to sacrifice your masculinity.)_

_Go _read A Worse Case Scenario_ book to really get your heart pumping!_

**Polls of the Polis**

**by Itachi and Deidara**

Favorite Ice Cream Flavour

Chocolate- _300 votes_

Vanilla- _225 votes_

Strawberry- _75 votes_

Out of 600 votes.

Favorite Akatsuki Member

Itachi- _1,500 votes_

Deidara- _1,300 votes_

Sasori- _1, 200 votes_

Neuropsychological unsystematic unicellular protozoan bacterium - _2,000 votes_

_Out of 6,000 votes_

**Ask a (REAL) Ninja!**

by Itachi and Sasuke Uchiha

**Give us your most troubling questions and we will try to solve them to the best of our ability! Warning: Uncensored content.**

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_"Do ninjas steal things?"_

_A Thief_

**Itachi: **No, we're NINJAS. You're thinking of

thieves. Because they steal... things... Like PENCILS!

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_"What is the REAL answer to 2 plus 2?"_

_Purple Penguin_

**Sasuke: **Everybody knows it's 22. Birdbrain!

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_"How do you kill Uzumaki Naruto?"_

_Hitler's Moustache_

**Itachi: **Not very challenging at all. First you take an AK-47 and go trigger happy, then you end it with a flashy Sharingan for dramatic effect! Hahhahahahaa! Don't you just love modern technology?

**Sasuke:** Ugh. Moustache makes me think of the time I thought I had stubble (I didn't actually have any) and shaved! Ouch...

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_Who is a better ninja? Sasuke or Naruto? I can't decide! PLEASE HELP! Plus... I like strawberry filled doughnuts!_

_Sassy_

**Itachi: **My little brother for damn sure. Also, you like strawberry filled? I do too! A strange obsession I picked up over the years is a fetish for strawberries.

**Sasuke: **Me!!!!!! Uh, is Sassy a nickname for Sasuke? Weird...

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_Itachi, do you like Deidara? I mean, she's pretty cute huh?_

_Yaoi-obsessed FanGirlz of t3h u54!_

**Itachi: **No.

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_Yo, dude, I hate the name Uchiha. Duuuude._

_-Duuude!_

**Sasuke: **Well, screw you. We happen to have the best last name around. It's a lot better then Duuude for damn sure.

**Itachi:** Uchiha pride man. Uchiha pride.

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas, _

_Have you ever used the phrase, 'Hitler's moustache is mean! Join the army_

_before it eats you!'?"_

_-Hitler's Moustache's Brother in Law_

**Itachi:** Once... on a sugar high.

**Sasuke: **All the time man.

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_To Itachi,_

_Go OUT with me!_

_F4nGuRl_

**Itachi: **Just send me your Myspace URL babe, and I'll see what I can do. :-P

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_To Sasuke :_

_GO OUT WITH MY BOYFRIEND!"_

_ FanGiRlZ 0f t3h u54_

**Sasuke:** ... SAKURA save me!

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_"HAPPY PI DAY! MARCH FOURTEENTH!"_

_ 3.14045245367245326746356874356764895487687487556875..._

_-Pi Squared_

**Itachi: **Err... How?

**Sasuke: **Pie are round, not square!

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_I AM REALLY MAD. AT MY FAMILY. THEY WON'T LET ME CHEW GUM AND STICK IT OVER THE ANTIQUES. IT TOTALLY SUCKS. WHAT SHOULD I DO YO?_

_-Gumless Antique Boy_

**Itachi: **Kill them! That's what I'd do.

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_I totaaaaalllllly love your nail polish Itachi. I've been lyke trying to find that color forever girlfriend! Where did you get it?_

_-I'm Actually A Guy_

**Itachi: **Chanel Black Satin Nail Lacquer at Saks Fifth Avenue.

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_Can you take me back to Konoha so I can be in the anime too?_

_--Anime Y'all_

**Sasuke: **Ha ha sucka!

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_I love you. _

_-Savannah_

**Itachi: **We love you too!

**Sasuke:** Right back at you!

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_I love Deidara too._

_-Savannah_

**Deidara: **I love you too!!!!!

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_Can grasshoppers become Akatsuki members?_

_-I am a Ninja Grasshopper_

**Itachi:** Why not? We got a puppet, a shark, and a plant already!

_Dear Uchiha Ninjas,_

_Gotta catch em all!_

_POKEMON!_

_-Ash Ketchup_

**Sasuke:** ...

**Itachi:** Let's put an Akatsuki spin on it. Gotta catch em all, Jinchuuriki!

**That was the very Akatsuki magazine for our very Akatsuki Fans! Boo-yah!**


	16. Mangekyou Sharingan!

**Chapter 17- Mangekyou Sharingan!**

**_OMFG! AFA is now off short term hiatus! Sorta a short chappie, but I'm trying to get this show on the road again so... You can thank my beta reader, Cherriy, for giving this idea! I want to thank again, all my loyal reviewers who have followed this story thus far, and for all future reviewers, for you are very welcome also. Anyway... Lights... Camera... Action!_**

* * *

_Post Akatsuki Magazine..._

**Operation:** Adult Sibling and Associates Imposition on Accounts of Incorrect Assumptions.

**Time:** 4:00 PM

**Place**: Uchiha Residence

**Suspects**: Itachi, Sasuke, Sasori, Deidara, and Sakura.

* * *

"That was mad funny man!" Deidara chortled as Sasori, Itachi, and he all piled in to the Uchiha residence after seeing a rather comedic movie at the cinema. For a few minutes they all reenacted scenes, and suddenly Itachi put a hand over each one of their's mouths.

"Look." Itachi pointed to the shoe rack. Deidara squirmed, but Sasori looked at it. There were their shoes, Sasuke's shoes, and a pair of rather... girly shoes. His eyes widened.

"There are girls in this house." Sasori said.

"We all know that. We've all have had experience with women before. It's no big deal. The question is, _what_ are they doing here?" Itachi asked his friends. Sasori gasped.

"Um..." Deidara looked at each of their faces, and received no answer. Itachi waited for him to catch on. When he figured out Deidara genuinely was confused, he sighed and motioned for the blond to come closer and whispered something in Deidara's ear. The blue eyed man's eyes widened.

"Oooh, _that_. You _think_?" Deidara announced back enthusiastically.

Sasori cupped his hand over his partner in crime's mouth. Itachi led them down the hall to where Sasuke's room was. They all started humming the _Mission Impossible_ theme song to set the mood. Itachi pressed his ear against the door.

"Sakura, where is it?" Sasuke's voice.

"It's in blue wrapping paper." Sakura answered.

"I don't think we bought it."

"Why not? If we don't, we will be in big trouble."

"You're not gonna die if we don't have it."

"Heck, we'll just have to wing it then."

Itachi mouthed what was going on from his perspective to his waiting friends.

"So I just kneel down, like this?" Sakura.

"Yeah! Ahhh!" Sasuke.

"What?"

"Be careful!"

"What do you want me to do? Kiss it?"

Deidara fainted. Sasori and Itachi looked at him for a moment, then tuned back in.

"Look at that!"

"Yeah, I'm proud of it myself." Sasuke.

"I like it! It's so big, like it should be." Sakura.

"Oh my God!" Itachi sobbed into Sasori's shoulder. Sasori patted the Uchiha prodigy on the back sympathetically. Deidara's eyes fluttered open. He looked at Sasori for answers about Itachi's sudden emotional move.

"He's going to be an uncle." Sasori whispered.

"No shit?" Deidara questioned. Sasori shook his head slowly.

"Sasuke remove the blanket. We'll need _a lot_ of room." Sakura giggled.

"No!" Itachi wailed, "I don't wanna be an uncle!" Deidara put his hand on the onyx-haired ninja's shoulder to comfort him. Itachi buried his face in his hands. Sasori and Deidara exchanged glances.

Suddenly the door to Sasuke's room opened, and our favorite bachelors fell into the ANGRY ROOM OF DOOM.

"Itachi?" Sakura asked, leaning over him.

"Itachi, Deidara, and the puppet guy." Sasuke corrected.

"It's Sasori." the burgundy-haired ninja muttered, and Deidara elbowed him in the ribs, signaling now was not a good time.

"Hey Sasuke." Itachi said, trying to act smooth after his cover was blown. Sasuke and Sakura were both completely dressed, and there was a rotating diagram of the solar system. There was a button you needed to kneel down and touch to activate the rotation. Itachi felt like the biggest idiot there ever was.

"Hello older brother. What were you and your 'friends'" Sasuke put an air quote around "friends", "doing outside my door?" His tone was icy.

"Uh..." Itachi looked toward his friends for support.

"Trying up door decorations." Deidara automatically answered. Sasori groaned.

"Door decorations? Do those even exist?" Sakura asked.

"Yeah, they're the newest style uh... trend...um... fad thingy." Itachi stammered. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Just get out." He kicked them all out the door and slammed it.

Well, Uchiha Itachi did NOT take this so well.

**_"Mangekyou Sharingan!"_**

* * *


	17. SEASON TWO TRAILER

* * *

_**A Family Affair**_

_**The Serenity**_

_**SEASON TWO TRAILER**_

__

* * *

__

_**The Uchiha brothers are back, this time entangled in a much bigger problem then mint vanilla ice cream. A treacherous tale of love, passion, betrayals, action, and drama (yeah you get the deal.)**_

_**Why has Orochimaru returned to Konoha, and what does he want? What has Sasuke and Sakura done, and what are the consequences? When will the infamously calm Uchiha Itachi finappllly snap? Why has Deidara fallen for a fangirl, and how far will Sasori go to stop this? Where is Squirrelly and who will be its next victim?**_

* * *

_**All awaits in the hands of...**_

_**A FAMILY AFFAIR SEASON TWO.**_

_**DUH DUH DUH...**_

_**More suspending music.**_

* * *

* * *

* * *

_**Author's Note- (I went a little ruler happy if you're wondering)Leave a review if just to show your support for the upcoming season please! If you have any ideas, throw them in along with your review? All ideas appreciated much!**_


	18. Episode I

**Chapter 18- The New Year Party**

"Toast to this fruitful year for Akatsuki." the leader announced, raising his glass. Everyone toasted, even Sasuke and Sakura (who were invited.) Itachi couldn't resist a smile. He felt close to his Akatsuki members all of the sudden, and remembered all the stupid things they did and didn't want to let that go just yet. He was seated around the table in the Akatsuki Headquarter's great hall, with all the members gathering for the banquet. After this, they'd head off on a long night of beer, partying, and hot women. Even the Uchiha prodigy was looking forward to this, and even though this feeling of closeness and reminiscence was nauseating, he didn't exactly want to let this go just yet either.

He was seated next to Deidara on one side, Sasori on the other, Kisame and Tobi parallel to him, Sasuke and Sakura at the head of the table with the leader, Zetsu, and a blue-haired person Itachi did not recognize. Hidan and Kakuzu was opposite end of the table, and they were speaking in low voices. Itachi knew what they were talking about, and he felt it too. The last time they had a banquet like this, Orochimaruu was present, and even though Itachi personally despised him, it was odd seeing an empty seat. Ah well, at least Sasuke and Sakura were here to fill the empty presence. Itachi tuned into the conversation again.

"Hey!" Deidara smacked his palm on the table to get his friends around him their attention. Sasori, Itachi, Sasuke, Sakura, and Kisame all tuned in, "To bring in the new year," Deidara began, "I am hosting this wild party on top of the Academy's rooftop! There's an empty flat roof somewhere. As a passive-aggressive revenge measure for the Hokage flunking my Chuunin exams. A lot of people are going, and some of them I don't even know!"

"What's going on there?" Itachi asked, interested despite his antisocial ways.

"Will there be pole dancers there?" Sasori joked, and they all joined in on the banter of laughter that echoed throughout the hall.

"No," Deidara said, ceasing the laughter, "but you see, this cute blonde chick," he snapped his fingers, "asked me if she could sing a song there, and since she's sweet and stuff I allowed her too."

"Can she sing?" Kisame injected.

"We'll have to see." Deidara answered vaguely.

An empty silence filled the room, and everyone held their breath, and sure enough, that doddering old rhyming woman (not the blonde chick who is singing) entered the room.

"Heh heh, that rhymes."

* * *

Cheers erupted from the screaming crowd as Savannah made her way to the stage. The microphone shook in her hands, and she wrapped her fake French manicure acrylic nails around steady it. That cute blonde guy with the toptail asked her to sing, and her being such an opportunist, she agreed. Who had to know she couldn't sing at all? Lip-syncing was just as good.

She headed up the stairs to the stage, forcing her legs to move. The room fell silent as she made her way to the center of the stage. "You're a sex goddess in three, two, one..." she murmured to herself, then began, "Hiya everyone! My name is Savannah, and I'll be singing a song I'm sure you all know!"

Deidara was sitting at the table of honors in the party, and he was amazed.

"Woah, who is that? She's hot as hell!" Deidara left the table, much to Sasori and Itachi's amusement. Kisame rejoined them. Sasuke and Sakura had ventured off to parts unknown. Itachi worried about them in the back of his mind.

"Where did Deidara go?" Kisame ask, watching the blonde make his way toward the front.

Savannah took a deep breath and began singing.

_"Fergalicious definition make them boys go loco_

_They want my treasure so they get their pleasures from my photo_

_You could see you, you can't squeeze me."_ She lip-synced. Deidara made his way up to the stage despite how stupid he looked. Itachi blinked. Savannah shot the blonde an odd look and skillfully avoided his advances as she sang. It was quite peculiar, although the crowd thought it was part of the show.

After the song, Savannah hurried off the stage, and Deidara went dashing after her.

"Hey," he breathed as he catched up, "You're really cute, did you know that?"

She looked at him blankly, then slightly disturbed.

"Sorry." she answered.

"What?" Deidara asked.

"I'm not a lesbian." She turned around and left the stage.

* * *

"Should you be having this party? Itachi doesn't even know about it!" Sakura asked as Sasuke pulled her into the Uchiha apartment. Teenage bodies gyrated to the blasting music in the hallways, the kitchen, everywhere. Sasuke had no idea who any of these people were. He finally spotted Naruto, Shikamaru, Ino and Hinata standing in a circle and motioned for her to follow.

"Relax Sakura, I'll clean it up before he gets home." Sasuke promised. They joined the group.

"Teme!" Naruto greeted his onyx-haired friend warmly, "You're looking cute tonight Sakura!" Sasuke instinctively pulled his girlfriend closer. "You don't have to be so territorial Sasuke. I already have a mate!" He pulled Hinata to his side. She blushed furiously and her eyes cast down to the floor. Laughter rippled throughout the group.

"Who are these people?" Sasuke asked.

"Friends of some friends." Shikamaru answered. Sasuke shifted from one foot to another nervously. Naruto passed the Uchiha some beer, even though they were underage. What the hell. Sasuke chugged it. Yup. It definitely took the edge off of things.

"This party is wicked!" someone shouted at Sasuke as they passed. Sasuke waved then turned back to his friends. He chatted with them for a little bit, then took Sakura's arm.

"Let's get some privacy." he whispered in her ear. She nodded in agreement and followed him, without as much as a goodbye to her friends.

Sasuke turned the knob on his bedroom door. Sakura was immediately alarmed.

"Sasuke...kun?"

* * *

**Author's Note: _What are Sasuke and Sakura doing?!!? _Speculate in your reviews? I also have to apologize to my readers for not replying to their reviews, but I was in a hurry to get this chapter out. **


	19. Episode II

**Chapter 19- Uchiha Itachi, AKA Party Killer**

* * *

_**Author's Note: This chapter is a little dramatic. The next one will be lighter, I promise! **_

* * *

Itachi was done driving all his drunken friends back to their homes or motels and was heading back to his own house to get some peace and quiet. Peace and quiet, of course, are never present in the life of an S-classed criminal, and that was apparent when he heard sirens from police cars a good distance away from his house. His heart started racing. It couldn't be _his house_ could it?

He drove a little faster, and slowed around the corner, his fingers gripping the wheel. He didn't want to find out just yet. He inhaled a deep breath and turned the corner. He was just about to exhale when he choked on his own breath.

There were at least six police cars at his home.

Itachi banged his head against the driver's seat head rest. He pulled up and jumped out of his car.

"What the hell is going on here?" Itachi yelled as he ran up the driveway to the policemen. They turned to him.

"Who are you?" the policemen ask.

"I own this house! What in the name of all that is sacred is going on?"

"Some man by the name of Sasuke Uchiha apparently hosted a party that was out of control. There has been some marijuana and drugs found, although not on Sasuke. Are you his guardian?"

"I'm his older brother. Uchiha Itachi." Itachi looked at them. They didn't show any signs of recognition of the reformed Uchiha killer.

"Mr. Uchiha, please follow me." They lead him along to the police car, where Sasuke was standing, half dressed. Itachi glared at him, and Sasuke couldn't meet his brother's eyes. The police motioned for them to get into the back seat of the car. The Uchihas reluctantly slid in.

"Sasuke! What the hell?" Itachi growled as he slid in next to his brother. Sasuke leaned back and stared at the roof ceilings.

"I-I don't know..." Sasuke choked on his words, "It j-just g-got outta control..." Itachi looked at him again more compassionately.

"Hey lil bro? It'll be fine." He reassured the younger Uchiha with a hand on the shoulder. Sasuke smiled for the first time in at least a decade at his older brother. Itachi's eyes hardened, "You're grounded for two months for this."

"Fine." Sasuke agreed, thinking this was better then the Mangekyou Sharingan. He looked out the window at Sakura leaving with Ino and Hinata. She looked at him tearstained.

What a disaster.

* * *

Finally, after what seemed like hours and hours, the Uchihas arrived home again. Itachi had to pay a fine of twelve thousand dollars to buy him and Sasuke out of this, and he was not in such a jolly mood this evening. 

Sasuke hurried into his room and shut the door before Itachi could say anything. He was ready to end the day.

* * *

Deidara sat at his computer, trying to compose the perfect e-mail to his latest infatuation, Savannah. She thought he was a lesbian! How can a guy be lezzy? Unless- _she thought he was a girl?_

After about thirty minutes, he finally finished composing his e-mail.

* * *

**To:** Savannah 

**From:** Deidara

**Subject:** About New Year's Party.

Hi Savannah. I'm the _**guy**_ who asked you to sing remember?

* * *

He hit **Send**, and suddenly a million "cool" things he could've said started crossing his mind, and he banged his head against the desk. 

"Crapperdoodle."

Suddenly his phone rang. Deidara picked it up, hoping it was Savannah. Instead it was Itachi, who seemed exhausted.

"Deidara." Itachi greeted, and then explained what happened.

"Shit! You serious?"

"One hundred and ten percent." Itachi promised.

"I'll come over tomorrow to help pick up." Deidara offered, not really knowing how else to respond.

"Thanks Deidara." Itachi thanked genuinely, then hung up. What a mess. Now Itachi knew why he killed his clan in the first place.

* * *


	20. Episode III

**Chapter 20- Itachi, Don't You Remember?**

_**Over 100 reviews! We hit the big one-oh-oh! AFA is now in the big leagues, woot woot! Thanks to ALL my reviewers, you guys are why I write!**_

* * *

About two months after the party, things were finally starting to wind down at the Uchiha complex. Itachi and Sasuke were trying their hand at cooking, a batch of cookies for the Academy graduates. Not an easy task by any means. Sasuke was stirring the batter while Itachi fiddled with knobs on the oven until he got the appropriate heat temperature. Sasuke suddenly stopped stirring. Itachi looked up.

"What's wrong?" Itachi asked. Sasuke looked at his brother, straight into those crimson eyes, the eyes that had haunted him since he was small. Now they were full of question. Sasuke took a deep breath.

"How long has it been since that day in the woods?" Sasuke couldn't believed how fast he got used to Itachi living here. Uchiha Itachi was a killer after all.

"Hn, I don't know. Six or seven months?" Itachi guessed, reading the instructions on the back of the cookie sheet.

"Why...why are you waiting so long? Why not kill me now?" Sasuke asked his older brother, pressing his thumbnail into his palm to prevent any emotions from surfacing. Itachi took a beat it interpret what he said, then turned to his younger brother.

"You want me to kill you? I can." Itachi looked straight back into the onyx eyes of his younger brother, "But I don't want to. We're the last surviving Uchihas Sasuke. We can't afford to quarrel amongst ourselves."

"We wouldn't be the only survivors if you didn't murder them all!" Sasuke bit back tears, recalling that ghastly night. Itachi paused, then sighed and gazed aimlessly across the room.

"I know Sasuke." Itachi's hand gripped the frame of the counter. Sasuke gulped and fingered for his kunai. "But... it's time to move on."

His harsh, plain words wounded Sasuke as they reached his ears. He painfully realized Itachi was right. He inhaled, exhaled, and inhaled once more.

"How many more do we have to make?" Sasuke exhaled as he said this.

* * *

Savannah sat at her table in the coffee shop, checking her e-mail on her laptop. She saw a blonde enter the doorway of the shop. She lowered her head as not to be seen. Unfortunately, she was a heartbeat too late. Deidara slid in next to her.

"Hi." Deidara grinned.

"Are you stalking me?" Savannah gestured to her screen, which was filled with at least three pages of the same e-mail Deidara had sent a few days ago. Deidara gulped. Yup, maybe he clicked "Send" one too many times.

"Um, no?" Deidara joked, and they both burst out laughing, Savannah rather nervously. Deidara quickly landed a kiss on her cheek. He figured since they had been e-mailing back and forth for the last two months, giving her a kiss was acceptable.

"Deidara..." Savannah stiffened.

"What?" Deidara asked, wondering if it was unacceptable after all. "Um... Sorry... I uh... couldn't resist." He watched Savannah bite her lip, inhale and exhale slowly, and then she looked into his eyes, his blue ones meeting hers.

"I'm sorry Deidara. If I did anything to lead you on, I..." Her voice drifted off.

"No!" Deidara knew what was coming next. She had decided to join the nunnery, or she already...

"...Have a boyfriend." Savannah finished.

"You never told me that." Deidara's head was throbbing.

"I have to go." Savannah gathered her things and quickly exited the coffee shop without looking back. Deidara felt his heart drop, lower and lower...

Once outside, Savannah turned the corner to her car, when she saw a redhead man waiting for her. He was leaning against the car door, smirking.

"Nice!" He applauded her. Savannah pushed him aside and opened the door and quickly eased into the car seat. She turned on the ignition and sped down the street, tears spontaneously appearing on her eyes.

"Deidara, I hope you understand," Her turquoise eyes darkened to a dark blue in anger, "that it not your rival but Sasori who ordered this!"

* * *

Itachi was cleaning the baking sheet while whistling a tune he made up himself. Sasuke was bringing their cuisine creation over to the Academy for Hokage's approval. Suddenly the phone rang. Itachi picked up the phone.

"Uchiha residence. Itachi speaking." Itachi greeted.

"Hi Itachi." It was Sakura. She sounded a bit cheerless. Itachi couldn't help but wonder what was wrong.

"Do you want to speak to Sasuke?" Itachi guessed.

"Ye... Actually, no. Can I speak to you?" she asked, "I don't want to talk to _him_."

Itachi's heart began to race, "What do you need?"

"Today, when I woke up, I felt ill." Sakura began. Itachi sighed. He didn't want to hear her medical account of the day. "And then I went to the physician."

"Yeah..." Itachi responded. She fell silent on the other end. He tapped his foot, "And what did the doctor say?"

"He said..." Her voice cracked on the other end, "He said... I was with child." Itachi, who had been sipping some coffee while listening, sprayed it out, ignoring the mess it made. Oh no oh no.

"Are you sure?" Itachi prayed it was no.

"Yes Itachi!" Sakura was crying on the other end, "I'm unmarried, and with Sasuke's baby!"

* * *

Ohmigosh! What is going to happen? Wonder in your review! 


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